Visiting the U of M

Dear Diary,

Today I went to the University to pick up books from the library. It had been a long time since my last visit to the campus and the road driving in is still bumpy. The new apartment building called 30UC is complete, with inviting fresh pavement and benches near the entry. The Canada geese that were on campus last time I went have moved on. Instead, construction crews are busy rebuilding the stairs near the student centre.

In the gloomy interior of Elizabeth Dafoe, the book locker gleamed in other-worldly white. It was the first time I ever swiped my card as instructed, heard the click and witnessed the springing-open of a rectangular door where my books waited in a mauve glow of interior-lighting. Is there really an interior light? That’s how I remember it, a little startled by this futuristic interaction.

With my books under one arm, I loitered a little, looking through the glass to the darkened library. It felt a little ghostly, completely barren as it was, lines of yellow caution-tape running through.

Outside, it was sunny. Students walked here and there, purposefully, with backpacks on their shoulders. The campus is partially alive… it was a strange feeling.

inspiration

Beau Miles has published a book. Now would you look at that cover photograph? I sigh. I admit, I’m a fan of his Youtube videos, my favourite being Run the Line: Retracing 43 km of hidden railway because it touches on history. But often, after watching any one of his videos, I want to go out and shoot my own adventure. I get a feeling akin to jealousy…

While thinking of this post, I started wondering why I found Beau Miles particularly inspiring, and thought of other YouTube videos I’ve enjoyed, a bit dismayed to come up with Casey Neistat’s channel, which I followed for awhile when he was living in New York. I panicked a bit… Aren’t there any women’s channels I like? Yes! In fact, Bernadette Banner’s vlogs on the subject of Victorian and Edwardian dress offered a fascinating glimpse into corsets, for example. And Ariel Bissett introduced me to “book tube” a few years ago. Liziqi blends a kind of tireless productivity with almost graceful romance in her vlogs, in which furniture is built, fields are sown and harvested, harvested materials are transformed and every day ends with an extraordinary meal.

So what is it about Beau Miles that I find so inspiring? I think there are two things: the first, is a sort of recklessness unfamiliar to me. I was raised with carefulness. That’s neither good nor bad, and I don’t mean Miles goes and risks his life for views. Rather, I think, I grew up feeling like things around me were fragile and that things had to be handled properly. This lent itself to ideas of perfectionism and scarcity. So, when Miles assembles things using found materials for example, the viewer gets to feel both the freedom of experimentation and a mastery of the tools that are handled. The results is therefore satisfying without being caught up in ideas of perfection. The older I get, the more I am intrigued by this idea of patina and lived-in spaces. (I mentioned that here.) Eventually, there comes a point, I think, when you’re not striving for an ideal image but rather, having acquired experience over the years, skill replaces self-consciousness. And this brings me to the second point. I think Beau Miles is an extraordinary storyteller. This is something you can glimpse in an interview he recently gave here, specifically, when he says: “As a storyteller, I know that you can come across a bit more loose and ad hoc and it’s just a bit more fun that way. But in my heart of hearts I kind of know what I’m doing.”

If you are unfamiliar with Beau Miles, I highly recommend his videos! See if you find them as inspiring!

Reading list: Cosmicomics by Italino Calvino

How to start: I really liked this article about Italino Calvino in The Guardian. For Cosmicomics, Chris Powell writes: “each story uses scientific statements as launch pads for imaginative tours de force, exploring the domestic, the romantic and the existential via astronomy, geology and evolutionary biology.” He also perfectly describes the feeling I had while reading Cosmicomics: “to begin a new Calvino story is like embarking on a voyage to unknown lands; there is a joy to the sense of expectation he inspires.”

Favourite quotes: (The Origin of the Birds) In the strip that follows, you see the wisest of us all, old U(h), who moves from the group of the others and says: “Don’t look at him! He’s a mistake!” and he holds out his hands as if he wanted to cover the eyes of those present. “Now I’ll erase him!” he says, or thinks, and to depict this desire of his we could have him draw a diagonal line across the frame. The bird flaps his wings, eludes the diagonal, and flies to safety in the opposite corner. U(h) is happy because, with that diagonal line between them, he can’t see the bird any more. The bird pecks at the line, breaks it, and flies at old U(h). Old U(h) to erase him, tries to draw a couple of crossed lines over him. At the point where the two lines meet, the bird alights and lays an egg. Old U(h) pulls the lines from under him, the egg falls, the bird darts off. There is one frame all stained with egg yolk.
I like telling things in cartoon form, but I would have to alternate the action frames with idea frames, and explain for example this stubbornness of U(h)’s in not wanting to admit the existence of the bird. So imagine one of those little frames all filled with writing, which are used to bring you up to date on what went before: After the failure of the Pterosauria, for millions and millions of years all trace of animals with wings had been lost. (“Except for Insects”, a footnote would clarify.)
(…)
There’s no use my telling you in detail the cunning I used to succeed in returning to the continent of the Birds. In the strips it would be told with one of those tricks that work well only in drawings. (The frame is empty. I arrive. I spread paste on the upper hand right-hand corner. A bird enters, flying, from the left, at the top. As he leaves the frame, his tail becomes stuck. He keeps flying and pulls after him the whole frame stuck to his tail, with me sitting at the bottom, allowing myself to be carried along. Thus I arrive at the Land of the Birds. If you don’t like this story you can think up another one: the important thing is to have me arrive there.)

(I.Mitosis) Now I know all of you will raise a flock of objections because being in love presupposes not only self-awareness but also awareness of the other, et cetera, et cetera, and all I can answer is thanks a lot I know that much myself but if you aren’t going to be patient there’s no use in my trying to explain, and above all you have to forget for a minute the way you fall in love nowadays, the way I do too now, if you’ll permit me confidences of this sort. I say confidences because I know if I told you about my falling in love at present you could accuse me of being indiscreet, whereas I can talk without any scruples about the time when I was a unicellular organism, that is I can talk about it objectively as the saying goes, because it’s all water under the bridge now, and it’s a feat on my part even to remember it, and yet what I do remember is still enough to disturb me from head to foot, so when I use the word “objectively” it’s a figure of speech, as it always is when you start out saying you’re objective and then what with one thing and another you end up being subjective, and so this business I want to tell you about is difficult for me precisely because it keeps slipping into the subjective, in my subjective state of those days, which though I recall it only partially still disturbs me from head to foot like my subjective of the present, and that’s why I’ve used expressions that have the disadvantage of creating confusion with what is different nowadays while they have the advantage of bringing to light what is common between the two times.
(…)
Let’s begin this way, then: there is a cell, and this cell is a unicellular organism, and this unicellular organism is me, and I know it, and I’m pleased about it. Nothing special so far. Now let’s try to represent this situation for ourselves in space and time. Time passes, and I, more and more pleased with being in it and with being me, am also more and more pleased that there is time, and that I am in time, or rather that time passes and I pass time and time passes me, or rather I am pleased to be contained in time, to be the content of time, or the container, in short, to mark by being me the passing of time. Now you must admit this begins to arouse a sense of expectation, a happy and hopeful waiting, a happy youthful impatience and also an anxiety, a youthful excited anxiety also basically painful, a painful unbearable tension and impatience. In addition you must keep in mind that existing also means being in space, and in fact I was dished out into space to my full width, with space all around, and even though I had no knowledge it obviously continued on on all sides. There’s no point in bothering now about what else this space contained, I was closed in myself and I minded my own business, and I didn’T even have a nose so I couldn’t stick my nose out, or an eye to take an interest in outside, in what was and what wasn’t; however, I had the sense of occupying space within space, of wallowing in it, of growing with my protoplasm in various directions, but as I said, I don’t want to insist on this quantitative and material aspect, I want to talk above all about the satisfaction and the burning desire to do something with space, to have time to extract enjoyment from space, to have space to make something in the passing of time.

Tangential: There are hundreds of articles with tips on how to appreciate literature, and not one, in my very quick search, that describes how reading can fall into two categories: the kind that whisks you along on in a story, and the kind that says, here, let me expand your senses. It’s like eating to satisfy hunger or eating to enjoy taste. Not that one excludes the other, but rather, that sometimes, when reading, you can feel that one takes priority over the other. Who knows… my theory is probably too simplistic. If you’d like some good advice, I’d recommend the second point on Iphigene’s “How to Appreciate/Read a Classic”, namely, “immerse yourself”.

vicarious

Sometimes, the most delicious feeling is the one in which, for a little while, you are taken away to another place and immersed in a different reality. I don’t care for fantastical worlds or romance novels… instead I like mundane day-to-day. Biographical documentaries are my favourite. Recently, I’ve soaked up the Netflix series “My Love”. But I also appreciate blog posts that gently pull you into a scene.

Here, the house is quiet because Christian and the kids have gone to walk the dog. The sun is here, with the ticking of the clock, after days of rain and clouds. Around my house, the scenes point to temporary absences.

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Making decisions

I think the subject of decision making is neat… Neat in the sense that there are, for it, a variety of strategies that can be employed and a variety of pitfalls to be avoided.

To be avoided:
- Drift
- Decision fatigue
- Regret

I think most strategies can be boiled down to a form of mindfulness. Take, for example, Stephen Levitt’s advice on a recent episode of “People I Mostly Admire”. He divides decisions into two categories: the ones in which you lack information, and the ones where you have lots of information. For the first, he advises to be wary of self-interested experts and find, instead, a friend or family member who has faced a similar decision, has done research or knows more about it than you, and follow their choice. For the second he imagines the outcome of both choices and aims for the one in which he would feel the least regret. If he is still uncertain about the choice to make, his advice, based on research, is “to take whatever path is the biggest deviation from the status quo” because people who have done so, who have made the biggest change, “are on average happier than the people” who haven’t. (You can listen to the whole explanation at 23:36 into the episode.)

Levitt’s advice is neat: count on someone you trust, imagine a future self in one decision scenario or the other, or take the opportunity for the biggest change.

The latter part of his advice seems related to one of Mother Teresa’s tips for humility… She wrote that when faced with a choice, “choose what is hardest”. I often think about this during the day. Faced with little choices, it’s in my nature to pick what is easier, what is lazier or more comfortable. But building up a tolerance for what is harder, or more uncomfortable, is more rewarding in the long run.

While there might be a tendency to look at decisions as a vast field of research, I’m tempted to look at decisions as a form of friction… Being mindful and observing the tensions that arise from the choices at hand is interesting!

About exertion

I keep returning to this bit of an interview with Greg McKeown on Gretchen Rubin’s blog, which is a good sign that I should take note of it here. He talks about how, in the case of a health scare with his daughter, he was confronted with a decision:

All we wanted in the world was for Eve to get better. That wasn’t just the most important thing. It was the only thing. What came into view for me was two paths for getting there. One made this challenging situation heavier. The other made this challenging situation lighter. And we had to choose which path to take. Maybe this choice seems obvious. But it wasn’t. As parents, our instinct was to attack the problem, with full force, from all directions: worrying about her 24/7, reaching out to every neurologist in the country, meeting with doctors one after the other, asking them a million questions, pulling all-nighters poring over medical journals and googling for a cure or even just a diagnosis, researching alternative medicine as a possible option. What the gravity of the situation called for, we assumed, was near-superhuman effort. But such an approach would have been unsustainable, while also producing disappointing results.

Mercifully, we took the second path. We realized that the best way to help our daughter, and our whole family, through this time was not by exerting more effort. In fact, it was quite the opposite. We needed to find ways to make every day a little easier. Why? Because we needed to be able to sustain this effort for an unknown length of time. It was not negotiable: we simply could not now or ever burn out. If your job is to keep the fires burning for an indefinite period of time, you can’t throw all the fuel on the flames at the beginning.

[His daughter, he notes, is almost completely better now.]

What did I learn from this experience? Whatever has happened to you in life. Whatever hardship. Whatever pain. However significant those things are. They pale in comparison to the power you have to choose what to do now. You can make the choice to continue to work harder and harder, wearing yourself out in the process. Or, you can choose a more effortless path. One where you try and make each day a little easier.

Reading this, it might be easy to think that the decision to go “easier” is a selfish one. Isn’t there merit in sacrificing for someone? Doesn’t the Bible say, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends”? I think there’s an interesting nuance here. Taking the first path could be falling into an illusion, or perhaps a misunderstanding of love. Because the appearance of total dedication, the self-imposed sacrifice is a distraction from what is even more important: a recognition (and acceptance) of vulnerability.

Keeping a blog

Writers are constantly prey to self-doubt, I mean, dare I even count myself as one of the group? It takes little for this to flare up… This American Life ran a segment about an entertainer who daily learned and memorized a ballad, recorded and posted it to Youtube, a habit that has lead to there being more than 1000 videos posted to his account. The story felt deflating.

Then, on cue, to revive my drooping spirits, to make a case against the futility of effort, I read Cory Doctorow’s post, “The Memex Method” shared on Tyler Cowan’s blog. Here are five things I especially appreciated:

  1. “The genius of the blog was not in the note-taking, it was in the publishing. (…) Writing for a notional audience - particularly an audience of strangers - demands a comprehensive account that I rarely muster when I’m taking notes for myself. (…) Writing for an audience keeps me honest.”

  2. “Blogging isn’t just a way to organize your research - it’s a way to do research for a book or essay or short story or speech you don’t even know you want to write yet.” (This is mentioned by Austin Kleon too).

  3. “(…) if the point of writing is to clarify your thinking and improve your understanding, then, by definition, your older work will be more muddled. Cringing at your own memories does no one any good. On the other hand, systematically reviewing your older work to find the patterns in where you got it wrong (and right!) is hugely beneficial - it’s a useful process of introspection that makes it easier to spot and avoid your own pitfalls.”

  4. “There’s another way that blogging makes my writing better: writing every day makes it easier to write every day.”

  5. “As a blogger I’ve enjoyed the delirious freedom to write exactly the publication I’d want to read, which then attracts other people who feel the same way.”

Baby rabbit

The dog has a daily walk no matter what. The other morning he discovered a baby rabbit in a tuft of grass. I was walking along as always when the clear morning air was pierced with a noise like a car alarm. I turned to find Enzo holding in his jaw a squirming ball of grey and white fur. I pulled on his leash, alarmed and suddenly panicked at the thought of having to deal with a mouse… he dropped his find, still squealing, when two rabbits appeared, ears perked, frozen in a « what’s next? ». I pulled more and Enzo regretted being unable to investigate more. The rabbit baby survived as far as I know - the squealing saved its life.

Three things

A picture taken last Sunday… a moody sky, dead trees, spring-tender grass.

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Hidden Brain, the podcast, taught me, in passing, the phenomenon in psychology called “naïve realism”, explained as the host says it, like so: “I am bewildered that you would not see the world exactly the way that I see the world.” Since I feel like it reflects an impression I’ve often had, I consider myself still quite naïve.

In researching for an article, I learned about Texas’ Hill Country, and have been perusing The Texas Hill Country: A Photographic Adventure, thanks to a licensing agreement that the U of M library has that makes many books available online.

How I came to appreciate menu planning

I didn’t think I could write about menu planning without sounding officious until I discovered that it was the method I used to teach myself how to cook. The officious part is about how, over a period of years, I became a person who has a printed binder full of recipes. Food is ubiquitous. Eating is this necessary thing and then feeding a family this other necessary thing booby-trapped with fussiness and your own culinary shortcomings. An official menu plan only came out of the anxiety of having to face the quintessential “what’s for supper” question, and I typed and printed 52 weeks’ worth of answers before my children could talk. The following is how it started and what it taught me.

A menu plan has levels of complexity. I don't think people talk about this enough. Planning meals in advance is the kind of thing that requires work. Eating requires no work. Having an appetite is taken for granted. Having money to feed yourself – also taken for granted. Menu planning therefore addresses itself to people lucky enough to have the leisure of thinking creatively about food. If you have time, you are lucky. If you have choice, you are lucky. Menu planning begins with a calendar, and an aversion for the panic caused by that supper-time question. To begin, all that is required is the jotting down of the meal eaten last night. Then, the meal to be had tonight. Write down the one for tomorrow night. Keep writing down the meals eaten. Forget, remember, catch up, delay, ask your partner, "what did we have that other day?" Rate the meals with stars, take notes, or don't. Write down two meals for next week – it makes shopping easier. If you eat the same meal twice or allow for leftovers to be transformed the next day, there are four days of the seven taken care of. Take a day off to remind yourself what spontaneity feels like, order in, use the BBQ, and voilà! One week is done! Commit it to the calendar. This is the beginning.

On the podcast Spectacular Failures, in an episode called "Blue Apron wilts, then rises to a new challenge", a guest comments that women want meals to be effortless, delicious and to "have the moral value of home cooking". "The thing that home cooking delivers that none of these other things do is that it satisfies, I think, what we all feel as the moral imperative to cook. There's something that just doesn't click in when the thing comes in from outside." A service like Blue Apron, the guest, Laura Shapiro argued, is less about cooking and more about assembling. "They kind of fool you into thinking you're cooking whereas real cooking hands-on cooking, knowledgeable cooking, has to do with cooking day after day, doesn't mean you're making fabulous, elaborate meals, day after day, even if it's the simplest possible thing; that's cooking." It’s that moral value that makes it hard to talk about menu planning because in the end, it’s like saying, I flossed every day last week. Nobody cares. And it’s expected of you. You benefit. Your neighbour doesn’t benefit from your menu plan, your friends don’t. Your circle of influence is the family. The glow of 52 weeks of recipes categorized by month and season is uninteresting to most people. 

But here’s the thing, in spite of all the discomfort of writing about one’s organizational habits like some amateur Martha Stewart, menu planning taught me how to cook.

I came into marriage young and inexperienced. I used to tell my friends that all I needed to do was learn how to cook and learn how to swim, both of which I though could be resolved in some classes, and then I’d be set. Let life begin. In fact, I shied away from cooking classes because none suited my desire for anonymity, and despite the swimming lessons, I was still afraid of water and could not master a front crawl. Instead of cooking, I started baking. Baking has delicious outcomes and does not involve meat. Baking has finicky instructions I like to follow and that attention to detail has its rewards. I applied the recipe-following I learned from baking to cooking. To ensure a satisfying end product, I picked recipes with consistent five-star reviews from the Food Network website. By following enough recipe instructions, I started to learn cooking terms. Cookbooks with pictures were also handy. One of the first that I purchased was Best Summer Weekendswhich I used it in winter too. I started to be able to associate words with tastes and textures. All this took years. Another thing that took years was gathering enough recipes we liked to span a year’s worth of week day meals. Finding inspiration is fun, but there is that dissonance between cookbook idea and everyday reality that has to be contended with and the only way to wear it down is with practice. Practice eventually accumulates and becomes experience. 

The work for the home cook is a sort of translation. Does this recipe suit our family’s tastes? Does it suit our schedule? How much are the ingredients? Are they easily available? In what season? Often, I think, regular home cooks are sold on ideals of delicious outcomes, or timely delivery, when really, cooking is mostly dull and repetitive. Even so, experience eventually yields an appreciation for the simple task… Good cookbook authors can convince you that if you do put in the work, you will eventually feel the reward. And they’re right. My favourite guides have been Nigella Lawson, Jenny Rosentrach and Deb Perelman, not to mention the Canal House ladies and Canadians like Ricardo, Anita Stewart and others. 

The last level of complexity in menu planning is to loosen your grip on menu planning. Eventually, accumulated experience and experimentation leads to a repertoire and a familiarity with sides and pantry items that allows for a little more spontaneity. If at first I couldn’t understand how fridge items could be their own source of inspiration, now I do. I can make salads, or flavour rice, or see if I have enough time to peel those layabout potatoes. I can count on having an idea of what to cook next week, but also a reassuring feeling that if I want to try something new, I can.

I think maybe this is why I like talking about menu planning: it was the key that unlocked my understanding of food, that made me experiment and learn. It was a long, perhaps un-ideal way of teaching myself time and budget constraints and our family’s taste palette, but I would know about none of these things if I didn’t first buy a calendar then look for recipes to fill it with.

Daily walks

There isn’t much to say about individual walks… we follow a path that meanders behind houses alongside the river, cuts through a meadow where there is a park where children don’t play at the early hour we walk past, and then follows a wood chip trail between rows of left-to-grow trees from an abandoned city nursery. Moods vary, both mine and Enzo’s. The weather varies and we bear it, no matter what the offering.

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Often, when I think of the walks, I don’t think of any particular one… They take on a cumulative quality and so are appreciated like that. Few stand out on their own and yet, the practice of it, the way it marks the beginning of a day must somehow all accumulate for some barely perceptible benefit.

Zoom background

A couple in the family was celebrating their 25th anniversary over Zoom. To demonstrate our good wishes, I made a background, inspired by a paper-flower tutorial here. We set a couch in front to accommodate ourselves comfortably and raised champagne flutes filled with ginger ale when toasts were made.

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Paper crafts are my fave!

A girld named Rachel

This line, over here, reads: “it’s not cool, telling someone you haven’t seen in years that you still think about them…” and I think of so many someones’ from elementary school, a handful from highschool. The high school ones intimidate me still… were I to make an appearance, it would be full of "see-how I changed’s” and angst. But in elementary school, I feel a tenderness toward the few who’ve disappeared from my line of social-media sight… what about that girl who was a poet? One day, coming in possession of a small spiral-bound white-paged notebook full of the possibility of being filled, I handed it to her and asked her to write something while I swayed on a tire swing. She returned it to me with a poem about autumn, stanzas and rhymes included and I could not believe that such a page-filling miracle could occur with such seeming ease.

I hope that somewhere in this world, she is still writing poetry!

Ode

To the people on my morning walk…
The mom walking her pre-teen daughter to school, chatting along the way,
To the dad with the baby on the verge of toddlerhood,
To the man who stands in his garage looking out over the domain of his front lawn, smoking a morning cigarette,
To the mom in the puffer vest hustling her boys into the backseat of her car,
To the lady with the little girl who talks with a lisp and leaves the house with the for sale (now sold) sign in front.
You make my day, as I walk by, as we just barely witness one another, reassuring each other in the thrum of daily life.

Walk

Everyday, I take a walk. The same route, worn by the hundreds of other people who also take walks, nonetheless always has something new to offer… and sometimes to celebrate the discovery I take a picture.

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Nuts and bolts

Every year at Christmas, my husband would get a tin of “nuts and bolts” that a colleague of his would make as a special holiday treat. Invariably, it only lasted a day in our house. When my husband changed schools, I asked his colleague for the recipe. The amounts indicated are only suggestions!

Nuts and bolts
7-8 cups Crispix cereal
3 cups pretzel sticks
4 cups Goldfish crackers
3 cups Cheerios cereal
3 cups Crunchys (or Cheetos)
3-4 cups Ringolos
3 cups Bugles
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 sachet of Ranch seasoning
2 tablespoons dried dill
3/4 cup vegetable oil

Dump all the dry ingredients together, except the bugles, in a clean white garbage bag. Whisk together the oil, garlic powder, ranch seasoning and dill into the vegetable and pour over the ingredients in the bag. Knot the bag closed and gently turn and shake it around to distribute the oil and seasonings. Place all or half the amount in a rotisserie pan and cook it at 200C for thirty minutes, mixing halfway through. Once removed from the oven, add the bugles.

Reading list: Middlemarch by George Elliot

How to start: Part way through reading this book, I googled its importance for reassurance. It is, as Robert McCrum wrote in 2014, “supremely a work of serious literature. According to Virginia Woolf, it is ‘one of the few English novels written for grown-up people’.” To quote McCrum again, it is “a work of genius” and his article provides a glimpse at why.

Favourite quotes: “Notions and scruples were like spilt needles, making one afraid of treading, or sitting down, or even eating.” (p. 22)

“Sometimes, when her uncle’s easy way of talking did not happen to be exasperating, it was rather soothing.” (p. 39)

“We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time; keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, ‘Oh, nothing!’ Pride helps us; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our own hurts - not to hurt others.” (p. 62)

[About Casaubon’s blood not being red:] “‘no, somebody put a drop under a magnifying-glass, and it was all semicolons and parenthesis,’ said Mrs. Codewallader.” (p. 70)

“That element of tragedy which lies in the very fact of frequency, has not yet wrought itself into the course emotion of mankind; and perhaps our frames could hardly bear much of it. If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel’s heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence. As it is, the quickest of us walk about well wadded with stupidity.” (p. 189).

“Mortals are easily tempted to pinch the life out of their neighbour’s buzzing glory, and think that such killing is no murder.” (p. 201)

“The best piety is to enjoy - when you can. You are doing the most then to save the earth’s character as an agreeable planet. And enjoyment radiates.” (p. 213)

“You will hardly demand that his confidence should have a basis in external facts; such confidence, we know, is something less course and materialistic: it is a comfortable disposition leading us to expect that the wisdom of providence or the folly of our friends, the mysteries of luck or the still greater mystery of our high individual value in the universe, will bring about agreeable issues, such as are consistent with our good taste in costume, and our general preference for the best style of a thing.” (p. 220)

“He was one or those rare men who are rigid to themselves and indulgent to others.” (p. 223)

“Indeed we are most of us brought up in the notion that the highest motive for not doing a wrong is something irrespective of the beings who would suffer the wrong.” (p. 239)

“‘Poor dear Dido how dreadful!’ said Celia, feeling as much grieved as her own perfect happiness would allow.” (p. 275)

“Mr Casaubon, indeed, had not thoroughly represented those mixed reasons to himself; irritated feeling with him as with all of us, seeking rather for justification than for self-knowledge.” (p. 316)

“That by desiring what is perfectly good, even when we don’t quite know what it is and cannot do what we would, we are part of the divine power against evil - widening the skirts of light and making the struggle with darkness narrower.” (p. 276)

“What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?” (p. 421)

Tangential: If another argument for reading Middlemarch should be made, I really enjoy Kathryne Schulz’s “What Is It About Middlemarch?

This thing our beagle does...

I’m sure it’s made national news by now, that Winnipeg was blanketed by snow, heavy and wet, all 24 centimetres of it. The precipitation is welcome, winter’s last gasp less so.

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Our beagle runs through the snow, snout down. Sometimes, in a drift, he freezes, all attention focused, as if perhaps he can hear somethings scuttling underneath. He then springs up and plants his head, like a spear, into the snow. It makes me think of a fox, smaller, a bit clumsier, less bushy-tailed, but still so, so hilarious.

Tutoring

As the second term as a writing tutor comes to a close this week, I want to bask a moment in the delightful variety of requests I’ve seen over the fall and winter semesters that services have been offered.

Sometimes it begins with the assignment. I suspect professors have a whole variety of reasons for giving assignments, but some of the time, assignments are meant to forge new neural pathways or develop new skills, like the challenge of close reading and analysis, or developing an argument based on source readings. In all these cases, I become re-acquainted with past experiences in which I had to get comfortable with stating an opinion, with learning to avoid summary when it wasn’t necessary, with familiarizing myself with events and people that were completely foreign to my experience. It is now an exciting thing to be dropped into a historical scene and to feel the drive to scramble to find reference points.

Sometimes it’s the writing. I realize it has taken me years to get a grip on academic writing and it doesn’t come naturally. For one thing, writing can feel extremely personal, and a tutor can help remind a student that an essay is just a product of your thoughts on a subject. For another, essay-writing is a skill that can be perfected over time. I feel bad for students who write with a kind of desperation about their marks… “I need an A” is terrible pressure to put on yourself - just as if an aspiring athlete were to declare to their coach on the first day of practice: “I need a gold medal”. Assignments are best viewed as exercises, in my opinion. With time their complexity becomes manageable and the lagging bits catch up to the stronger bits to compose a reliably good whole.

Sometimes it’s the detail. Academic writing requires citation and there are three kinds and each kind has a strict set of rules that lay out a finicky amount of detail. I’ve discovered that finding the right format and then applying it throughout the essay takes a surprising amount of time. It is also somewhat mindless work during which I can have Netflix playing while formatting the details.

What I most enjoyed this year is noticing how tutoring has changed for me… instead of thinking of myself as a person with all the answers who will tell a student how to write a perfect essay, I now think of myself as more of a guidepost. A student is somewhere along the path to writing good essays and they come visit for the next nudge in the right direction. I have left my lofty place to melt myself into that particular student’s challenge and try to hand them the most practical tool for meeting it. It’s just as much an exercise for me in anticipating what could be most constructive and useful at a single point in time, versus the tendency to overwhelm or the temptation to generalize too broadly.