Swedish death cleaning my social media

I decided to go through some of my social media and delete old posts… Here are a few things I noticed:

  1. I’m turning into a private person, or at least a more private person than I was before. I’m struck by how, in my own youth, I had an eagerness to share and to be open. I don’t think I’ve changed too dramatically, but the need for third-party approval has diminished a little.

  2. Taking down old posts feels like taking back a bit of control. It might be an illusion, but given how onerous it is to do on some sites, doing so feels good.

  3. Old pictures and craftily-worded thoughts give me a false pang of nostalgia… I say its false because a) I don’t like dwelling on nostalgic thoughts and b) social media represents a small percentage of my life and c) the people and the relationships those posts present/represent, are with me, in albums in my house, in the phone calls and visits we continue to make with each other.

  4. The exercise highlights the importance of being in the present moment. The accumulation of posts made are all bits of past me… past efforts, past struggles, past happiness… and “saving them” would feel like taking away from the importance and beauty of the present. We’re here, I’m here, let’s be here today!

Solving for x

Interior decorators Hollister and Porter Hovey were featured on Cup of Jo with an apartment makeover and helpful tips to boot, one of which reads: “People often neglect hallways but it’s a great opportunity for a fun experience.”

Now, if we take that sentence and pretend it’s math, and say, “people often neglect x, but x is a great opportunity for a fun experience.” Then, using a crude expression you could “plug in” anything for x, to solve for fun. Maybe x is running errands. Maybe x is spending time running errands with someone else. Maybe x is running someone else’s errands. No matter, you can solve for fun.

Take my mother-in-law: game for adventure, disdainful of Covid-induced paranoia. Subtract the generational gap, the minor things that run the risk of grating on each other’s nerves, like a bit of hearing loss and someone else’s soft voice, and, with a dramatic sweep of the arm, create a vacuum of space on the imaginary whiteboard filled with scribbled sums and plop in a recurring Thursday afternoon visit. Let the things that are on her mind gush in and settle in the container of your calm availability. And then, as if by magic, Thursday afternoons become little short stories of their own: sweatpants shopping for her husband, stove browsing at furniture and appliance stores, watch-hunting high and low, wig querying in a nostalgic revisit to the sixties, replacement shirt shopping for a newly liquidated favourite brand, shampoo selecting for volume at Wal-Mart and a surprise black-out. And always, finding a treat: muffins at Tim Horton’s, McDonalds after lockdown, an introduction to Orange Julius, cinnamon buns from Tall Grass Prairie.

Don’t neglect the hallways!

Silence vs screaming

When confronted with suffering, fictional or real accounts, in books or on screen, I get the perverse temptation to imagine what I would do in the victim’s position. A hero or heroin faced with violence either screams and fights or bears the trial in silence. I am averse to noise and always imagine myself a stoically unwilling to waste my breath.

Catholic saints were often depicted as extraordinarily courageous… St. Lawrence, placed on a gridiron over coals, famously told his tormentors to turn him over, to roast the other side. Hagiography abounds in such stories. As a teenager, I admired Lawrence of Arabia’s secular fortitude.

I’m reading Hope Against Hope by Nadeshda Mandelstam in which she wrote: “Later I often wondered whether it is right to scream when you are being beaten and trampled underfoot. Isn’t it better to face one’s tormentors in a stance of satanic pride, answering them with contemptuous silence? I decided that it is better to scream. This pitiful sound, which sometimes, goodness knows how, reaches into the remotest prison cell, is a concentrated expression of the last vestige of human dignity. It is a man’s way of leaving a trace, of telling people how he lived and died. By his screams he asserts his right to live, sends a message to the outside world demanding help and calling for resistance. If nothing else is left, one must scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.”

In the second season of The Last Kingdom, Uhtred and his friend Halig are sold into slavery. As punishment for trying to escape, Halig is tied to the ship’s prow as Uhtred and the other men row. Halig yells each time the prow is raised enough for him to do so. This seems to fire Uhtred’s rowing, and when Halig no longer screams, Uhtred knows that death has released his friend from the torture. Halig’s screams seemed like the final act of bravery and a kindness to Uhtred.

Silence or screams… all to say that it wasn’t until lately that I’ve learned screams could have virtue.

Reading list: The Russian Debutante's Handbook by Gary Shteyngart

How to start: I sometimes plod through a book, but that was not the case with this one, speeding through in barely two weeks. Francine Prose notes the novel’s “energy and hilarity.” The New York Times qualifies it as “uproarious and highly entertaining.” And perhaps knowing neither of these things was what made the book such a quick read.

Favourite quotes: “He looked down the tracks where Cohen was on his knees taking a picture of a passing cloud, an unremarkable cirrus shaped as if it were sketched expressly for a meteorology textbook, its immortality assured only through the wild Polish luck of having passed the former concentration camp on the day of Cohen’s visit.” (p. 405-6)

[This one of a car-chase sequence:]

“The thin Trabant squeezed past a trailer truck in front of them bearing the logo of a Swedish modular funiture company.
”Shell-shocked, Vladimir crawled back up to look through the nonexistent window behind him. The Swedish furniture trick now separated their car from the Groundhog’s shooting party like some kind of ad hoc U.N. reaction force. But the Hog’s men apparently had no respect for Swedish furniture. With a single-mindedness common only to former Soviet interior-ministry troops and first-year law students, they continued to shoot as the truck swerved madly to stay on the road. Finally, their labor produced results - with an audible whoosh, the back doors of the truck blew away.
”A houseful of Krovnik dining tables in assorted colours, Skanör solid-beech glass-door cabinets, Arkitekt retractable work lamps (with adjustable heads), and the daddy of them all - a Grinda three-piece sofa ensemble in ‘modern paisley,’ came sailing out of the back of the truck and onto the flotilla of BMWs to settle once and for all the Russo-Swedish War of 1709.” (p. 444)

Tangential: This is Shteyngart’s debut novel, published in 2002. What’s fun about that is that it makes him a contemporary, instead of a long-dead novelist like most of the ones on this list. He’s since published more novels, obviously, and someone’s collected his blurbs on Tumblr. Oh look! He’s just received his Covid shot!

A poem about not debating

I wonder why
I feel this pull to opinion
To saying what I think 
On some big issue.
If writing were a canoe
An issue would be the current
And my weak arms
Could hardly protest its pull. 

The issue is very big.
Its size has grown by dint 
Of tiny injustices
Of hidden shames
Of secret experiences
Accumulating over time
Becoming
Conversations
Then homilies
Court cases
Then political platforms
Then sides taken.

It’s a morass of debate
And wading in
Vociferating from
Orifices where food is ingested
Where the tongue resides
Warm and wet
Its movement against white teeth
And pink skin and red muscle
Produce a spray of 
Airborne particles
That fall
And thus
Shards of experience
Broken-off bits of religious principle
Driftwood pieces of logical argument
And some statistics like fine gravel
Are lobbed through the air. 

Wearying and unsatisfactory
As the stand might be
It beckons like the call of a temptation;
A pretty chocolate egg
That says “come eat me”
And lends to the mouth
A momentary power of consumption
While enslaving the taste buds
And filling the gut with a brown empty mass
And throwing the hormones into chaotic activity
And giving the brain a sense of useless purposefulness.

I want to do you the kindness
Of not eating the egg.

Writing inspo

Excerpt from an interview with Jiayang Fan on the Longform Podcast:

I guess what I would want to encourage in aspiring writers who have scraped up against that self-doubt as a result of a life not lived, you know, for a career in journalism, is that, please write into your self-doubt; write into that sense that perhaps you are not deserving. There’s something authentic and pure in that voice and your investigations into yourself and the world deserves to know the quality of your uncertainty and there is something very, very edifying, I think, to the world to know about the really complicated barriers between a writer’s lack of sense of self and the self that emerges on the page. And that we need you - I’m speaking directly to those writers now - we need you more than ever because you give us something that writers from traditional backgrounds, in all their certainty and grace and eloquence, cannot, which is, you know, the truest exploration of how a self becomes a self and to those writers, please continue listening to podcasts like these ones and also to believe that you have something really worthy of being heard.

Marilynne Robinson wrote in her essay collection titled The Givenness of Things:

I hope I will not seem eccentric when I say that God’s love for the world is something it is also useful to ponder. Imagine humankind acting freely within the very broad limits of its gifts, its capacity for discerning the good and just and shaping the beautiful. If God has taken pleasure in his creation, there is every reason to assume that some part of his pleasure is in your best idea, your most generous impulse, your most disciplined thinking on whatever is true, honourable, just, pure, pleasing, excellent, and worthy of praise. I am paraphrasing Paul, of course, but if you have read Cicero or The Egyptian Book of the Dead, for example, you know that pre-Christians and pagans made art and literature and philosophy excellent and worthy of praise, out of love for the thought of all these things. (…) My point is simply that, from the time the first hominid looked up at the stars and was amazed by them, a sweet savor has been rising from this earth, every part of it - a silent music worthy of God’s pleasure. What we have expressed compared with what we have found no way to express, is overwhelmingly the lesser part. Loyalties and tenderness that we are scarcely aware of might seem, from a divine perspective, the most beautiful things in creation, even in their evanescence. Such things are universally human. They forbid the distinctions “us” and “them”.

Going light

I have a tendency to go deep, to get bogged down, to stare at the ground and feel the weight of things. But going for a walk? Going for a walk reminds me to be light, to look up, to find colour, to notice the sun…

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Swimming lessons

Sometimes, a thing from childhood will bubble up, like gas in a swamp. It happened to me recently when I was talking to a trained lifeguard and joking about how my younger brother is a certified lifeguard and how, in contrast to him, I can’t swim. I think this family paradox is funny. I also think that it perfectly reflects the kind of contradictory mother I had. Telling people about this, turning it into a joke, is a kind of way of relieving aggrieved feelings - wasn’t I owed swimming lessons?

Writing about childhood is hard. John le Carré hinted at this in his memoir The Pigeon Tunnel, in the chapter about his father near the end of the book. He tried writing at length about it when he was young, but the efforts “dripped with self-pity”.

I recognize in my comments that compensatory ruefulness my dad also had when he talked about my mother. It’s unsatisfying, and more often than not, it’s unfair to the person listening. Rather than being an amusing anecdote, it’s an escaped journal entry, one of those as Mason Currey writes in a newsletter that “can be relentlessly inward-looking and personal-grievance-focused, which is always a pleasure for the writer (and almost never a pleasure for the reader).”

On an episode of Conversations, George Saunders describes how a character in a story has to have more than one dimension:

What you find yourself doing as a writer, is, you have a bad character; if he’s simply bad section after section, you’re gonna be boring. So you have to complicate him, which means you have to look closer at him, just as in real life, you know (…) the person who pushes you aside getting on to the subway, at first he’s a terrible person. If you could follow him home, you know, and ask him some questions, you’d see him assuming dimensionality. So that happens to me in stories all the time.

And so, since good writing demands it, and since I am still learning, allow me to edit my clumsy attempt at humour. You see, my mother was an aesthete, descended from a woman, my Grandmother, who praised good looks and fine clothes. It was out of aesthetic concern that my mother enrolled my brother for swim class after swim class so that he would cut a fine figure. For years and years I mistook this as a more practical concern for health and for the ability to not drown in water. How much did she pay, I wondered, for all those lessons and the swimming pool membership? And it was only when attempting to tally an amount (was it hundreds? did it stretch to thousands?) that I realized she had spent a similar sum on me… not so that I would cut a fine figure, but so that I could show all of my teeth when I smiled. While my brother swam laps, I sat through appointment after appointment in the orthodontist’s chair for braces. This, in my mother’s mind, was fair; I had straight teeth and my brother had a swimmer’s physique.

NBD

In the ninth episode of the “Darts and Letters” podcast, the host, Gordon Katic, interviews a person who writes papers for students across a variety of academic disciplines, for a variety of programs. The anonymous guest reflects on his ability to meet his clients’ expectations by professing “a natural curiosity for subjects” and an aptitude for “pattern recognition” that can appreciate and imitate a discipline’s “jargon”.

I’m against academic dishonesty, and I’m far too interested in writing my own paper and far too poor to pay someone else to do the work. That being said, this interviewee is a surprising source of motivation… Procrastinating, like a regular student, he says, he manages to turn in lengthy assignments in a short time. It has cheered me to think of this “Bill Faulkner” reading a Master’s degree thesis or two in Canadian history, and sitting down and producing a 120-page document in a week like it was no big deal.

About hair

Sometimes, when I blow-dry my hair, the loose strands form themselves into a ring around my thumb. I feel a tiny pang of regret when I slip the hair-ring off and throw it out. It’s like a wasted piece of tiny art.

But what would I do with it? And wouldn’t it be a little macabre to take a picture?

The Victorians used to transform their stray hair into pieces of art. I learned this when we visited the Dalnavert Museum and there was a hair wreath on display in the attic. (You might still be able to see it here.) I thought it was a sign of quaint olden-day thriftiness, where nothing, not even stray hair, is thrown away. Apparently, it has more to do with period sentimentality.

On an episode of “This Is Love,” the host Phoebe Judge includes this snippet of interview with Drew Lanham, a wildlife biologist on the podcast to talk about his passion for birdwatching:

Phoebe Judge: “Can I tell you something wild?”
Drew Lanham: “Sure”
P.J.: “And given your response to this we will or will not cut it from this interview…”
D. L.: “Ok!”
P.J.: “Do you know what I’ve been doing since I was a little girl?”
D. L.: “What’s that?”
P.J.: “I’ve been taking the hair from my hairbrush and putting it outside for the birds, for their nests…”
D. L.: “Perfect.”
P.J.: “And my grandmother did this her whole life and she had this wonderful white hair and she’d been doing it forever and right before she died, uh, she found a nest in a tree and it was completely covered inside with her white hair.”
D. L.: “Wow! What a gift! I mean…”
P.J.: “Is that something we should…”
D. L.: “Yes! Yes!”
P.J.: “…should we be putting… ok, because I really… it’s pretty crazy to catch me outside putting my hair around on all the bushes...”
D. L.: “Well that’s a really cool thing. (…) It’s sorta a way of giving back, right? It’s a way of giving back. And you talk about your grandmother having done it. Your grandmother probably watched those before her do it. And in a way that’s a legacy passed forward. And you can imagine that hair cradling, nurturing a nest of eggs. And then keeping those naked young warm.”

I have trouble imagining such a thing. I don’t know why. In fact, I envy those two their whimsy. Instead, my mind slants toward Victorian morbidity, and to the depressing fact that pigeons have amputated toes because of “waste human hair” as The New Scientist calls it. For them, it’s not a hair-ring but a hair-noose around their doomed digit.

In celebration of a random Friday-night meal

Could we pause here just a minute to appreciate a meal well pulled together? I mean it’s delightful that the internet abounds in recipes, that cookbook authors put forth books by the series, that categories of cuisine fill shelves, but really, the home-cook does not jubilate over a single successful dish. No, the home-cook celebrates the satisfactory table. The table upon which each of her children finds something they enjoy, upon which there is something that does not demean the sensibilities of the adult, upon which tastes mingle and are sated.

On Friday, the fridge offered half a bunch of asparagus, sliced deli ham, 5 eggs, and some leftover cream too. The freezer was stocked with frozen berries, but no bananas. In a cupboard, dried dates had become this inconvenient pinecone-shaped leftover (from date-nut pinwheels) that shuffled between the sugar cubes and the chocolate. We’d already had pasta. I was loathe to go to the store (I always am).

This was Friday night’s menu:
Date Milkshake (from Jamie Oliver)
Blueberry pancakes (from Mark Bittman)
Asparagus and ham omelet (inspired by Mark Bittman)
Tasty Taters (from the freezer, by McCain)

On the surface, it might not seem all that much of a triumph, but what should be considered are the following factors: that the home-cook had no idea what to make for supper Friday morning, nor even Friday afternoon, and at Friday 1:00 considered texting her husband some words on the theme of mealtime despair. Fortunately, I resisted.

Sure, maybe home-cooking is an under-appreciated talent, or maybe home-cooking is undervalued, but when those grimy gremlin thoughts leave their swamp and start marching towards you, they can only be dispelled by a level of confidence wielded by professionals facing outside-the-home kind of problems, like the high-school principle who had, on her doorframe a magnet that read: “put on your big girl panties and deal with it.” (She was of a certain age, but no matter.)

Dealing with the problem created dishes, but also the tastiest omelet, one son’s favourite milkshake, satisfyingly crisp potato bites, and a pile of perfectly turned out pancakes that not only quelled my daughter’s hunger, but had that addictive quality where hands keep reaching to the plate for just one more, blueberry-studded and syrup-doused.

Children's books

When my daughter was still tiny, long before she could read, I felt overwhelmed by all the possibilities the world contained for her burgeoning existence. Decorating her room, picking out clothes, selecting toys, finding books… all these things felt big and important because they would mould her childhood memories. If she liked one thing over another, that thing could be the beginning of a collection… I hoped I was making the right investments…

Now, as two brothers have joined her under our roof, childhood things multiply more easily, collections are apparent and decisions feel less weighty. It pleases me especially to see the wear of a well-loved book, and a row of shiny spines from the “Mes Années Pourquoi” series.

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Trivialise

I don’t like committing to words, or quotes - the kind you stick to a wall, or frame, or tattoo to your skin. I no sooner write down a thing meant to inspire me, that I go blind to its existence and the inspiration turns to dust. But things do inspire me! Like, for example, Jack Druce’s advice in a recent Dense Discovery newsletter:

‘Trivialise what you do.’ I learned this with comedy but I think it applies to everything. If you are betting your self-worth on everything you do, it’s easy to crumple under the weight of your own expectations. If you can find ways to convince yourself that whatever you’re doing is just silly and fun then you can simply do your best without dreading the consequences of it not going exactly how you planned.

It corresponds with what Caroline McGraw said in an interview with Gretchen Rubin:

The most common objection I get to “you don’t owe anyone,” is the idea that if we don’t walk around overburdened with constant guilt and obligation, then we’ll just run amok and ruin people’s lives.

What I’ve actually found is that when you live like you don’t owe anyone – when you are free from the weight of expectations, and have a felt awareness of your own freedom – then you are more likely to act in loving ways.

It’s linked to that great concept from Brené Brown, how our boundaries keep us out of resentment. When you set boundaries around your time and energy, when you don’t owe anyone an interaction … then you’re free to give from the heart.

It’s very heavy walking around burdened by your own ideas of how you should be and what you should do. I can’t help but feel that in excess, it can become like Sara Gruen’s tragic rescue mission.

One of the advantages Seth Godin lists as a benefit of writing a book is that “it leaves behind a record of where you are in this moment.” Blog posts are similar. Today, I like thinking about the balance to be found between love and expectation. Because this idea is on my mind, I find it expressed in new ways, everywhere… Last night, reading aloud from Anne of Avonlea, this description made me smile: “Jane was not troubled by any aspirations to be an influence for good.” Pithily, “The flower doesn’t dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes.” (Mark Nepo via)

Reading list: Bleak House by Charles Dickens

How to start: I think it was V.S. Naipaul, in Literary Occasions, who admired Dickens’ fresh prose and imaginative descriptions in Bleak House. Of the readers who debate which of his 16 books is the best, some make strong arguments for this one. Set against the backdrop of a protracted law case, it begins with a vivid, playfully-described, rainy day…

Favourite quote: “London. Michaelmas Term lately over, and the Lord Chancellor sitting in Lincoln’s Inn Hall. Implacable November weather. As much mud in the streets , as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth, and it would not be wonderful to meet a Megalosaurus, forty feet long or so, waddling like an elephantine lizard up Holborn Hill. Smoke lowering down from chimney-pots, making a soft black drizzle, with flakes of soot in it as big as full-grown snowflakes - gone into mourning, one might imagine, for the death of the sun. Dogs, undistinguishable in the mire. Horses, scarcely better; splashed to their very blinkers. Foot passengers, jostling one another’s umbrellas, in a general infection of ill-temper, and losing their foot-hold at street-corners, where tens of thousands of other foot passengers have been slipping and sliding since the day broke (if this day ever broke), adding new deposits to the crust upon crust of mud, sticking at those points tenaciously to the pavement, and accumulating at compound interest.
”Fog everywhere. Fog up the river, where it flows among green hits and meadows; fog down the river, where it rolls defiled among the tiers of shipping, and the waterside pollutions of a great (and dirty) city. Fog on the Essex marshes, fog on the Kentish heights. Fog creeping into the cabooses of collier-brigs, fog lying out on the yards, and hovering in the rigging of great ships; fog drooping on the gunwales of barges and small boats. Fog in the eyes and throats of ancient Greenwich pensioners, wheezing by the firesides of their wards; fog in the stem and bowl of the afternoon pipe of the wrathful skipper, down in his close cabin; fog cruelly pinching the toes and fingers of his shivering little ‘prentice boy on deck. Chance people on the bridges peeping over the parapets into a nether sky of fog, with fog all round them, as if they were up in a balloon, and hanging in the misty clouds.”

Tangential: I had no idea the protracted law case was based on fact and learned via Wikipedia that “Scholars – such as the English legal historian Sir William Searle Holdsworth, in his 1928 series of lectures Charles Dickens as a Legal Historian published by Yale University Press – have made a plausible case for treating Dickens's novels, and Bleak House in particular, as primary sources illuminating the history of English law.”

Words

I’m not the kind of creative person that can invent a story. Even playing “two truths and a lie” requires some mental preparation. Inventing a recipe would stress me, and why bother, when the world is full of recipes already? I’m especially uninterested in reading lists of words-that-don’t-exist-but-should. I’ll tell you why…

The other day I was listening to John Le Carré’s memoir titled The Pigeon Tunnel. He reads with a sonorous voice, has an English accent, but also reads in the other languages he speaks: German, French and American. I might not catch the all the references but I’ve enjoyed listening. Perhaps because he loves writing: “I love doing what I’m doing at this moment, scribbling away like a man in hiding at a pokey desk, on a black-clouded early morning in May, with the mountain rain scuttling down the window and no excuse for tramping down to the railway station under an umbrella because the international New York Times doesn’t arrive till lunchtime.” So I listen with the kind of satisfaction one has for a well-prepared meal. I listen to the words he uses, like “exophthalmic” for a description of eyes.

I looked it up. It is an adjective to describe those eyes that protrude, and how many times have I not noticed people with such eyes, or heard my mother describe such a look. My mother always had a knack for describing people. She could mimic something of them until you understood who she was talking about, or had at least, a caricature in mind. She once described a nun with a toothy smile as a person with teeth like piano keys. But those eyes? There’s a word for them! It is a serious word that John Le Carré can deliver with effortless pronunciation, as if, my goodness, these exophthalmic-eyed people were just as common as the elderly rheumy-eyed ones.

We don’t need to invent new words! They exist already… it’s just a matter of reading to discover them.

Feelings path

If I hadn’t listened to the Fresh Air podcast episode wherein Terri Gross interviews Kazuo Ishiguro, all the way to the end, I would not have heard of Stacey Kent.

If I had not heard of Stacey Kent, I would not have listened to her album, retiring early to bed, to lie in stillness to escape the day and the fatigue of obligations.

If I had not listened to the album by Stacey Kent and realized that in spite of being a glib introvert stoically surviving pandemic restrictions without much complaint, I did in fact miss our occasional carefree nights out. And then, I would not have felt that line in the documentary titled Audrey, wherein she describes life resuming again after the war: “All the things you’ve never had, never seen, never eaten, never worn, started to come back again. That was such a stimulus.”

(If I had not listened to the whole documentary, I would not have realized how inspiring Audrey Hepburn was… With lines like: “She most certainly took trauma and transmuted it into love.” Or her own observation: “Humanitarian means human welfare. And responding to human suffering. And that’s finally what politics should be. I think perhaps with time, instead of their being a politicalisation of humanitarian aid, there’ll be a humanisation of politics. I dream of the day that it will be all one.”)

If I had not spent the evening doing nothing, I would not have appreciated that Radiolab episode on Escape this morning.

Who knows if I wouldn’t have arrived at these feelings in spite of these bits of media, but here they are, gathered in one neat little posy.

Five stars

Brussel sprouts, boiled or roasted are inedible in my opinion. But buy them when they look good, take off their dusty outer leaves, chop the core off, cut them in half and slice them, thin, thin. When your pile of Brussel sprouts looks like a mass of green-yellow paper confetti, put them in a mixing bowl, drizzle olive oil over them, squeeze a fresh lemon over them too, for brightness and add salt and pepper and shave parmesan and mix everything with your hand, till the leaf-shreds glisten. Top with toasted walnuts and enjoy!

(This Brussel Sprout salad originally comes from the cookbook Six Seasons.)

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Sound

The noise of geese flying over head has been a feature these past few weeks. I often think of them as waddling nuisances, but something about their call this morning gave me a feeling of nostalgia. Were the geese to be removed from the scene, were I to travel to a country without geese, I would feel their absence. Hearing them is a feature of spring and fall, across all the years I grew up and all the years I’ve lived here on the prairies as an adult.

Sound ties memory to a place. I picture a multi-lane bridge somewhere near Toronto as we listened to the rhythmic drumbeat of an album by the band Brulé on a family road trip. I see night sky when I hear “I Want to Spend my Lifetime Loving You”. I see my room in Saskatoon when I hear Strauss waltzes. I’m in a car in the province of Quebec when I hear Richard Abel. Yesterday, I remembered how much I enjoyed Steve Hackman’s compositions that mix classical and contemporary music: Beethoven and Coldplay; Brahms and Radiohead.

John Green reviewed Canada Geese in his podcast The Anthropocene Reviewed, describing them as waterfowl “(…) with a song like a dying balloon and a penchant for attacking humans, the Canada Goose is hard to love, but then again, so are most of us.” He draws connections between the geese and humans, admits to considering them pests, like everyone else, but notes: “Even if geese have become mundane, there’s still something awe-inspiring about seeing them fly overhead in perfect formation.” He concludes by rating them less than five stars because of how they represent our species interference with nature. This morning though? I’d have given them five stars just for reminding me to appreciate sound.

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Reading list: Harold Brodkey's Stories in an Almost Classical Mode

How to start: Brodkey seems to have been a controversial character, gleaning from online articles about him. Francine Prose admires the way in which he depicts “people ranting to children” which she calls one of “several notable literary examples.” About a story titled “S.L.” Prose explains: “the ranter is the title character, a self-indulgent decent man who is about to adopt the little orphan to whom he is raving. Reading S.L.’s monologues, we become intensely aware of the way that people often talk to children - as if they aren’t sentient, comprehending beings - when in fact children, like the boy in the story, know perfectly well what the adults are saying. Though S.L. wants the child to love and accept him, everything he says increases our sense of the child’s isolation, confusion, and desperation.”

Favourite quotes: (Bookkeeping) “Sometimes it horrifies me,” he said, “that we dare talk about serious subjects - the camps, love, anything. We should leave the serious subjects to poets, who will tell us how to speak of them without lowering them; we should confine ourselves to the weather and the stock market like sensible people.”

(Innocence) “I distrust summaries, any kind of gliding through time, any too great a claim that one is in control of what one recounts; I think someone who claims to understand but who is obviously calm, someone who claims to write with emotion recollected in tranquility, is a fool and a liar. To understand is to tremble. To recollect is to reenter and be riven. An acrobat after spinning through the air in a mockery of flight stands erect on his perch and mockingly takes his bow as if what he is being applauded for was easy for him and cost him nothing, although meanwhile he is covered with sweat and his smile is edged with a relief chilling to think about; he is indulging in a show-business style, he is pretending to be superhuman. I am bored with that and with where it has brought us. I admire the authority of being on one’s knees in front of the event.”

“There’s a kind of strain or intensity women are bread for, as beasts, for childbearing when childbearing might kill them, and child rearing when the child might die at any moment: it’s in women to live under that danger, with that risk, that close to tragedy, with that constant taut or casual courage. They need death and nobility near.”

(His Son, in His Arms, in Light, Aloft) “The man I hugged or ran toward or ran from is not in any photograph: a photograph shows someone of whom I think, Oh, was he like that?”

(The Nurse’s Music) “I do not think memories lie for a cheap reason. It is just that memory deals in totals, in summaries, in portable forms of knowledge, so that what it dredges up are things that are like mottoes or aphorisms or apothegms rather than like real moments. And the totals are often true enough as they are pictured, even if the pictured thing never happened, but is a total, a mind thing, just as what’s in a photograph never happened but is the machine’s slice of a part of reality, which it then slides out sideways, so to speak, from the forward rush of real air. Time was never that stilled; the photograph lies; the eyelike machine slices off a thin and fixed souvenir; what gives it focus makes it untrue - no one I know was ever as still as a photograph.”

(The Boys on Their Bikes) “He’d gotten me to start to try to explain; explanations are demeaning: you’re in service to the other’s understanding you then; you’re not allowed to live but have to stand in a clear light and just explain.”

(Angel) But I imagined all that as laid aside with regret or even hatred, but since, if one lives, one will most likely be a witness from now on, what need is there for most of such aspects of will in one’s self as one has needed up until now when one was not a witness? Almost certainly, one can expect to be inspired now and protected - oh, not physically: one can be martyred, used in various ways in whatever time or timelessness there is to be now: one has a very different sort of soul - the total of one’s self now includes this occasion and one is different.”

Tangential: Harold Brodkey’s obituary in The Independent, as written by Andrew Rosenheim, makes light of the opinion that Brodkey was a narcissist: “He was, to be sure, an incurable narcissist…” but some of Brodkey’s stories describe Narcissistic Personality Disorder to a T, namely “A Story in an Almost Classical Mode” and “Largely an Oral History of my Mother”. I wish more could be written about narcissism in literature, but I do feel that this website has it right when they state: “Creating a believable narcissist for fiction ultimately requires real life experiences of living or working with a person.”

Another blanket

Just as Daylight Savings has ended, as the river ice is breaking up and making scraping sounds not unlike the swish, swish, swish of slush underfoot, as squirrels are busy everywhere with bounce-like hops across last fall’s dry leaves, I’ve finished a blanket.

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This blanket stitch is old-fashioned… I spied a crochet blanket with this stitch on The Crown and felt inspired.

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