Friday Five

There is a rule for blogging success that says a writer should stick to one subject. Forget it, I say. Here, I'm a rebel, writing about all sorts of things.

  1. Making supper isn't about one recipe... it's about putting together a meal with enough component parts to tempt these kids' appetites. This week, I made Julia Turshen's Sticky Chicken, stir fried leftover vegetables (green pepper, zucchini, mushrooms) and presented this with a pile of freshly-made crepes. Folding this all together I took a bite and surprised myself with how good it was. Ruth Reichl can wax poetic about how "cooking is the adventure of combining ingredients" - a level of kitchen ability I'm not yet at, but I do get a hint of the feeling when putting together a meal at night. "You're a traveler, [she writes] following your own path, seeking adventure. (...) If it doesn't work out - well, there's always another meal." (My Kitchen Year, p 169)

  2. I'm listening to Say Nothing via the Libby app and I'm having a hard time not hearing my own thoughts with an Irish accent. Pair this reading with the Longform podcast's interview with the author, Patrick Radden Keefe and you have hours of great listening.

  3. Noticing happenstance colour-palettes is a new fun thing I like to do à la fashionista. In my non-glamorous life, colour-palettes are found on walks and in piles of books. And then, what about this crochet pattern with its 'dark green tea' and 'teal' and 'raspberry' and 'gold'? I am in awe of this artist's rendering of Christmas lights at night.

  4.  Today, the kids' busdriver picked them up dressed in a Santa costume, complete with beard. Primed by HONY, I now suspect a whole mysterious backstory.

  5. Design Matters interviewed Min Jin Lee, a writer and the author of Pachinko. I really like interviews with writers and thought it was so touching how she talked about her husband: "My husband has carried me for decades while I wasn’t earning, while I was on the quest to be a writer. And he was willing to put up with the financial, the fact that I wasn’t earning." Because "I chose this thing called writing." And she talked about how vulnerable being an unpublished writer made her feel: "And I would tell them I’m working on a book. And they would say, “Well, can I buy your book? Is it sold anywhere?” And there was no answer to this. And at that point I didn’t have a contract. I didn’t have an agent. I had just really no idea how to even go about this. But I just knew that I had these books and I was going to write them. And with each additional year of delay, the more humiliated I became and I became more private. But I really work actually much harder." Fantastic interview

Reading list: The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James

How to start: I was reading this book on the plane and my seat mate asked if it was Portrait of a Lady on Fire. It wasn’t, I said, and felt a little shy… Was this film some kind of adaptation, I wondered? It’s not. Most definitely not.

An excerpt:

Ralph, on leaving Oxford, had spent a couple of years in travelling: after which he had found himself perched on a high stool in his father's bank. The responsibility and honour of such positions is not, I believe, measured by the height of the stool, which depends upon other considerations: Ralph, indeed, who had very long legs, was fond of standing, and even of walking about, at his work. To this exercise, however, he was obliged to devote but a limited period, for at the end of some eighteen months he had become aware of his being seriously out of health. He had caught a violent cold, which fixed itself on his lungs and threw them into dire confusion. He had to give up work and apply to the letter, the sorry injunction to take care of himself. At first he slighted the task; it appeared to him it was not himself in the least he was taking care of, but an uninteresting and uninterested person with whom he had nothing in common. This person, however, improved on acquaintance, and Ralph grew at least to have a certain grudging tolerance, even an undemonstrative respect for him. Misfortune makes strange bedfellows, and our young man, feeling that he had something at stake in the matter - it usually struck him as his reputation for ordinary wit - devoted to his graceless charge an amount of attention of which note was duly taken and which had at least the effect of keeping the poor fellow alive. One of his lungs began to heal, the other promised to follow its example, and he was assured he might outweather a dozen winters if he would betake himself to those climates in which consumptives chiefly congregate. As he had grown extremely fond of London, he cursed the flatness of exile: but at the same time that he cursed he conformed, and gradually, when he found his sensitive organ grateful even for grim favours, he conferred them with a lighter hand. He wintered abroad as the phrase is; basked in the sun, stopped at home when the wind blew, went to bed when it rained, and once or twice when it had snowed overnight, almost never got up again. (p 51)

Tangential: Henry James’s biography on Britannica is fascinating… he met so many authors and travelled just as much as his characters do in this book.

Friday Five

I like a snappy list of random things, don't you?

1. It's almost Christmas, and my favourite places to shop in Winnipeg are Black Market Provisions and Toad Hall Toys. These stars look so pretty and tonight, it would be fun to go to a Student Show and Sale. The Events Calendar here feels so festive! Christian and I adopted the idea of keeping a Google Doc of gift ideas for each other from this episode of Hidden Brain.

2. What will you do with your history degree? (I don't know!) However, reading the Canadian Historical Association's report was oddly comforting. Also, people studying history are fewer and fewer in number apparently... 

3. I've started baking, because cookies are delightful and my sister is visiting which is all the more impetus for making things cozy here! (Maybe I’ll try a new recipe?)

4. Last week I spent the days intensively working on a surprise for the family. I'm the kind of person that almost bursts at the thought of having to keep a surprise and avoiding doing so requires an attitude of cool indifference - as if I had to decide to draw a curtain over all the scenes my imagination puts together. And I have lots of imagination! Not enough to write a novel, unfortunately, but enough to amuse myself with silliness. Years ago I took my SLR and photographed made-up scenes using my then-toddlers' toys. I thought that things that made me laugh would be too ridiculous to share and stopped.

5. I've often been paralyzed by the thought of perfection. Drawing has been somewhat therapeutic in this regard. I've been forcing myself to draw a person (whole or just the face) everyday for the past few months after stumbling over myself in the last year and a half. It's more than just accepting that results take practice... it's getting over the enthusiasm of a new idea and accepting that desire for a result must be subdued. Meekly, it becomes a habit and a habit in its purest form should be executed with a kind of simple attention that is light and not grasping or weighed down with expectation. And reaching that mode of working takes its own time and suffers onslaughts of impatience, but that's fine... that's just how it is. 

Four things

I'm writing the long paper that will, with some prodding and goodwill, become that thing you call a thesis that might earn me a certificate that says I've mastered the discipline it takes to be a member of this little field of Canadian Studies. Isn't that a better sentence than saying "I'm currently on chapter one of my Master's degree thesis"? I don't like the personal pronoun "my". It feels too possessive. All this quibbling aside, I do like writing and reading and looking things up, and sometimes, the looking-things-up yields funny asides... Take this injunction from 1900 when bicycles in St-Boniface were so new they were called "velocipedes"...

The Archbishop, writing one of his circular letters, notes that while bicycle-riding is not prohibited, its use should be restricted to those who have gained permission. I shared this with my husband, my kids, a friend... just to marvel at how foreign these rules feel 122 years later and everyone has a different reaction. The kids thought it was funny, like I had. Christian wondered why and this prompted me to look up how priests dressed in 1900. I suspect their long dress-like cassocks must have been encumbering. And my friend mocked the rules-y-ness of the institution. But there were rules for everything! There were rules for welcoming the bishop in a parish, for belonging to secret societies and for fundraising events. There were rules for getting married and fees prescribed for the customs you had to follow, and tariffs paid for dispensations for marrying a cousin funded the archdiocese's expenses for priests.

Reading these circulars makes me feel like I should worry that my clothes are too comfortable.

 

All that above made me want to draw a priest on a bicycle in 1900, or find a picture of one, and drawing is still for now, a spare 10-minute hobby. I laughed when reading (via Ngaio Parr's newsletter Some Things) Vanessa Varghese describe learning how to draw as "what a bowl of humble pie that's been" in part because, yes, that's how I feel, but also, the description sounds awkward to me, just as the attempt to draw is awkward. Did she mean it that way, I keep wondering...

Shepherd's pie, well executed, might be a sloppy rectangle of meat topped with mashed potatoes. Sure, you could eat it in a bowl, where it has no shape at all. Same with triangular shapes of fruit or berry or pumpkin desserts with a crust... So often you set out to draw something on a page and it barely resembles what you want it to be. (But maybe I'm just used to serving pie on a plate.)

 

I'm happy to listen to other people talk and usually I can avoid the awkwardness of having to talk by just asking questions. As a bonus, most people like it when you are interested in them, but, thanks to these guests on the Ten Percent Happier podcast, I've learned that asking questions can be a subtle way of controlling the conversation... (From Episode 494: How to Speak Clearly, Calmly and Without Alienating People.)

(Dan Clurman) Sometimes people think that asking questions is the same exact thing as reflecting, and there is a difference, and I think that's important to understand, is that questions are very useful and can be certainly a helpful part of conversations. We distinguish reflecting from questions in that questions often contain what the person who's asking the questions think would be valuable for the other person to talk about. So in a certain sense, questions in their own way direct the other person who's speaking down a particular path that the listener thinks would be useful to talk about, which might be the case, or might not be the case.

(Mudita Nisker) Yes, they're both ways of getting information, of soliciting more information, reflective listening often has a gentler feel than questioning. Questioning can sometimes seem like interrogation and people might not like that and it might have the opposite effect on them, they might close up rather than open up.

 

Winter's coming... We've had glorious fall weather so far, but who can deny the delight of those magical snowfalls? (From The Saturdays by Elizabeth Enright, p 60)

The world was completely transformed: snow had been falling furiously for more than three hours, and still was. Drifts were piled high along the sidewalk, the air was dense with flakes, and Rush felt happy: this was the best snowstorm of the winter. He pushed his way past the people who were waiting for cars and taxis, turned up his collar and went out into the blizzard. In no time at all his feet were soaking wet and he loved it. He took a long time going home and made a great many detours. In the side streets the air rang with a noise of scraping as men cleared the sidewalks. All other sounds were furred with quiet by the snow; the hoots of boats came muffled from the river, cars passed noiselessly, and people walked without a sound in the feathery dusk.

That poor woman

That poor woman standing there behind the big black ballot machine, taking my folder with the paper and my inked-in choices for mayor and councillors.... she told me to wait and I didn't know why right away until she pointed to the tiny bright screen, and I looked at her because there was nothing else to do and took in her blond hair and crinkles around her eyes and polished long fingernails and jewelled finger and asked her if she'd got a papercut yet. She was friendly because she was a volunteer and said no and the machine we were exchanging over delivered a green checkmark and so I wished her luck and left.

Christian was at the door and said he'd asked her if the machine had jammed yet and that she'd said no and that he'd said you never know, it could happen, in that teasing way he delivers jokes with that giant million-watt smile that is nothing of a politician's, but just the nice way he is.

And so, reconvened on the way to the truck in the parking lot we laughed about how that poor woman must thing we had such a doomed outlook on life...

A word on the word community

I don’t know if this happens to you, but sometimes a single word will plunk itself down amid the furniture in my brain, and just like any new thing, it’ll grab my attention and I’ll notice it each time I walk by. For the last little while, it’s been the word “community”. Did it start with Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart? Maybe… See, she talks about belonging:

Our neural, hormonal, and genetic makeup support interdependence over independence. He [John Cacioppo] explains, "To grow into an adulthood for a social species, including humans, is not to become autonomous and solitary, it's to become the one on whom others can depend. Whether we know it or not, our brain and biology have been shaped to favour their outcome." Of course we're a social species. That's why connection matters. It's why shame is so painful and debilitating. It's why we're wired for belonging. (p. 179)

Malcolm Gladwell’s podcast Revisionist History just finished a season with a series of episodes on the Minnesota Starvation Experiment and the final episode (The Mennonite National Anthem) makes a poignant point about a person’s sense of community and how it can be disrupted by the denial of a basic need:

[About Lester Glick:] "He is just one of the kindest most gracious people but as he writes about his experience, he writes about getting really angry, angry with the officials in charge because they've taken away his allotment of bread, you know, he's no longer getting the two slices he thought he was going to get because he's not losing weight fast enough." Back when Lester Glick was working at the state mental hospital in Michigan, he wrote with pride about the connections he made with patients who could not speak. He loved to work with patients and help them. But now in his hunger, he was becoming isolated, anti-social. He started to dislike the company of his fellow guinea pigs.  "And so there is this separation that starts to take place, this breakdown in relations that is not at all in keeping with the real Lester Glick, but was the new malnourished Lester Glick who was separated from all the people around him." He understands that what it means to be hungry is not a momentary physiological deficit; it is a profound and overwhelming deprivation on every level. "Yeah. It's a deep isolation and an isolation that goes against the building up of community that he's been a part of since childhood, that church community, the family community that shaped who he was in the most basic ways."

Having read that, does it seem like an obvious conclusion? Maybe. But the thing with a word that stands out, is that you start to notice it in different contexts. Oh look, you say (to yourself), there it is over there! It looks different in that place!

This is from the podcast Invisibilia, on an episode called Power Tools, where the guest, Peter Belmi, discusses a class he attended where the professor taught Machiavellian-type tactics for gaining power in the work place and how it conflicted with his upbringing:

"In a working-class environment, where there's lots of threats, lots of uncertainty, everybody has to coordinate because doing so helps us survive as a group. And so people learn in those contexts that what it means to be a good person is to be sensitive to the needs of other people, to see yourself as connected to others." This tracks with social science that shows that by contrast, people from wealthier backgrounds are taught to value focusing on themselves. "We don't need others as much in order to survive, and so what it means to be a good person is to pursue your own identity, to figure out how you're unique compared to others.”

How nice, you might think, how charming… But wait! Here is the idea of community again, but this time, in the concrete functioning of society! It’s Roman Mars, (episode 508 here) explaining to former President Bill Clinton why not being able to pop the hood and fix your own car isn’t such a bad thing…

There's also a beauty in other people doing it better and you just kind of trusting in that. That is how we build a society. So the world […] has to be an ecosystem of things we know and control and there's individual agency and liberty and things like this and then you have to like, fall into the warm embrace of a designed world that people have thought of and their expertise is present and maybe you don't understand it and hopefully we're engaged enough in the civic society that you trust those things. And I think that that's super inspiring, like I love the things we create together, collectively.

And then, there’s this last quote, which isn’t exactly about community, really, but it’s this touching idea about the small human action it takes to foster this usually-grandiose ideal. It’s an action so small it can be overlooked and dismissed… it doesn’t win prizes, it’s not the kind of generosity journalists look to profile. And yet, its small size betrays the effort it took, and takes, and will take, to build and maintain this kind of goodness. It comes at the end of a piece by the Guardian, read on their podcast The Audio Long Read, titled “‘Farmed’: why were so many Black children fostered by white families in the UK?”.

I have to accept my parents for who they are (...) my mom has been gone for awhile now, but I still speak to my dad. He's 90, has other wives and other children, so I need to take away my prejudices about that, forgive and just deal with him as he is. He's an old man, so I'm going to do what I can for him and I'm not going to have any malice about it because that means I haven't truly let go.

Isn’t that amazing? I can’t help but feel in awe of that person’s example. Mason Currey in his latest newsletter included a quote from Virgina Woolf which seems to capture the sentiment I feel reading this.

I’m thinking here of a favorite Virginia Woolf line, in which she praised the Irish novelist George Moore for “eking out a delicate gift laboriously.”

A morning in Steinbach

Friday morning I took a friend for a medical procedure outside the city. It was dark and cold when I woke up at 5:00 and showered, and put on the clothes I laid out the night before. It was dark 20 minutes later when I locked my house and travelling to hers, lined up the truck with the early birds at traffic lights.

In darkness we drove to Steinbach’s hospital where I dropped her off. It was the still-cold morning after the season’s first hard frost. Cold fall mornings remind me of France, where I stayed a month the first time I left home. Dark mornings remind me of my dad who sometimes brought me along on trips when he was a trucker. (I remember one time when the headlights of his immense cab shone into the car opposite as he turned left at an intersection. The wide turn needed for the long trailer my dad was pulling startled the man whose eyes grew wide and he reflexively pushed back in his driver’s seat.)

I notice I'm getting older, a cliché statement that nonetheless belies the comfort of growing self-knowledge. In my twenties, this kind of small event was all exclamation-pointed single words: possibilities! exploration! In my thirties, it's full sentences with commas and periods: "Let's see what I could reasonably do in Steinbach between 7 and 10 on a Friday." In my twenties, expectations could be wildly unrealistic and took the form of over-scheduling or imagining I could easily wake-up with different preferences than the ones I usually had. In my late thirties, I'm a person who doesn't mind assembling a day of good habits in a different order. My twenties would have thought "Good habits? Why! Steinbach is a whole new place! Let’s eat a cinnamon bun for breakfast?" Now, avidity seems tiresome.

Therefore, I took my good habits to Steinbach. I walked 45 minutes, just like I would have done at home (minus the dog). I found a local spot and ordered toast and coffee and ate the toast with peanut butter, just like I would have done at home.

And you know what? The delight of this was so off-the-charts as to have prompted me to try to explain it here. I walked, like I like to walk at home and the surprise of the change of scenery, this one little variable, had twice the effect on my happiness as having aimed for something more extraordinary. And that toast and coffee? Its simplicity afforded me double the satisfaction for having checked off a healthy breakfast than the passing satisfaction of having picked something deliciously sweeter. It buoyed the morning's peregrinations, like a calm reassurance.

The frost-tinged grass sparkled with a million diamond rainbows under the freshly rising sun. The small forest on either side of the paved pathway was one tableau after another of fall still-lifes.

Breakfast provided a change of scene and a window on a different view, brown wood chairs that have backs that curve around into armrests, kitchen noises and chatter you can eavesdrop on. An older local man complimented my parallel park that he'd observed from the window. I browsed the small grocery store and bakery and picked cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving and canned tomatoes for that night's soup.

All of this could have been a series of pictures, titled, “my morning in Steinbach”, but I don't know how I could have fit on my phone that funny fifteen minutes when I parked in the sun behind the local thrift store and bided the time to its opening by reading the first 21 pages of the French novel my friend loaned me, wherein the protagonist is left her Grandmother's mysterious dresser containing ten painted drawers, all stuffed with locked-up lifetime souvenirs. Nothing can quite prime you for hoping for a lucky find at a second-hand store, but when I looked up from my book, a line had formed and was continuing to form of locals; a man with no hair but a long gray beard and his wife in a motorized wheel-chair, and two women with their toddler, and an old lady with a cloth bag, all having woken up that morning, and put on their pants and holding a similar hope.

But the only thing I trusted my phone to capture, (for the diamonds on the grass or the fall tableaux in the crisp air would have killed its frail battery-life) was the name and look of a pastry I'd never heard of before.

Happiness is ordinary.

A weekend at Riding Mountain

This summer, we booked a weekend away at a small cabin near Riding Mountain National Park. Riding Mountain draws campers, resort-goers, and people with boats. Cabins come in all varieties… ours had pretty sunsets over a lake, and foggy still mornings.

Visiting Wasagaming with its population of tourists made us feel touristy too. We stopped in shops, spent time at the visitor center and made allowance for treats: ice cream and beavertails in the evening; cinnamon buns from The Whitehouse at lunch.

We stopped at picturesque spots and at a Wishing Well, a stranger offered to take our family’s picture.

We spent a warm afternoon at Frith Beach with our chairs perched on a narrow strip of pretty pebbles, while the lake’s clear water made it especially fun for the boys to wear their goggles. Cedric even caught a crayfish!

Have you noticed Enzo? He was with us all the time…

I liked the evening walks along the lakeshore, the lake-life vibe, the little unit we make.

Reading list: Pictures from an Institution by Randall Jarrell

How to start: Randall Jarrell’s book is full of humour… The quotes are all like shorter or longer jokes.

Quotes: They both sounded a little too hearty, but they knew that one necessarily sounds that way in such circumstances: who comments on the weather with all the lack of interest that he really feels? (p 14)

How can we expect novelists to be moral, when their trade forces them to treat every end they meet as no more than an imperfect means to a novel? The President was such invaluable material that Gertrude walked around and around him rubbing up and down against his legs, looking affectionately into the dish of nice fresh mackerel he wore instead of a face; and the dish looked back, uneasy, unsuspecting. (p 16-7)

But it was foolish of him even to want to try: he possessed, and would possess until he died, youth's one elixir, Ignorance; he drank each day long draughts from the only magic horn, Belief. (p 25)

My wife and I drove by for Constance. Before we got her we were a youngish - we would have said - couple going out to dinner; after our first look we sighed, and saw stretching before us a short, safe, uneventful pathway to the grave. It was like having the moon get into our car, the new moon: we looked at each other by her thoughtless light. (p 44-5)

...and after a moment he smiled at something he said, and I smiled back, relishing as I always did the little crinkles in the skin around his eyes. But when he stopped smiling the crinkles did not go: they were wrinkles, now. (p 39-40)

As I looked I appreciated - and not for the first time - what a gift for decoration Gertrude had: she and Sidney had gone into a bare apartment and after a few days had got it looking barer. (p 46)

Nothing spoils malice like explanation. (p 49)

At first President Robbins talked a little stiffly and warily, but then he warmed to himself. He liked to say: "The secret of good conversation is to talk to a man about what he's interested in." This was his Field Theory of Conversation. He always found out what your field was (if you hadn't had one I don't know what he would have done; but this had never happened) and then talked to you about it. After a while he had told you what he thought about it, and he would have liked to hear what you thought about it, if there had been time. (p 51)

...she was so thin you could have recognized her skeleton. (p 52)

...but here he seemed very human and attractive, for he lost his way in his sentence. The sentence was bewildered: it had begun so promisingly, and now had to finish with a lame depicted by the pen of a master. In the classroom, where Dr. Whittaker was almost as much at home as in his study, this would not have happened; there each sentence lived its appointed term, died mourned by its people, and was succeeded by a legitimate heir. (p 58)

Without his sister he would have been in Paradise. But Fern was, as people say, a Little Manager; Fern wanted, as people say, Her Own Way. (That was all she wanted, but it was enough: the Milky Way was small beside Fern's.) This was hard on John, just as it was hard on Dr. Whitaker, on Mrs. Whittaker, on the cocker spaniel, on the turtles in the back yard, even, who dreamed that Something Was Happening as Fern arranged them in a pile with a better shape to it. (p 65)

Outside, the long evening was drawing to its close. Owls caught mice, and fish, and rabbits, and brought them home to their babies; people turned off their television sets and went to bed; people woke, turned over, and went back to sleep; the girls of Benton, their hair in metal hair-curlers, their limbs in ski-pyjamas or black nylon nightgowns, slept like dormice, their mouths open to the big soft stars. (p 69)

This would not have happened if I had been a novelist. Then I might have stolen Gertrude's ideas, might have looked at them with a colleague's bright awful eye. But I was only a poet - that is to say, a maker of stone axes - and she felt a real pity for me because of it: what a shame that I hadn't lived back in the days when they used stone axes! And yet, why make them now? Every once in a while she would say to be, "Haven't you ever thought of writing a novel?" I would shake my head and say that my memory was too bad; later I would just say, "That again!" and laugh. She would laugh too, but it puzzled her; finally she dismissed it from her mind, saying to herself - as you do about someone who won't go on relief, or mind the doctor - "Well, he has only himself to blame!"

(...) But sometimes I felt sheepish - felt like a flock of sheep, that is - as Gertrude sheared from me (with barber's clippers that pulled a little) my poor coat of facts, worked over it with knitted brows, and then, smiling like Morgan le Fay, cast over my bare limbs her big blanket conclusions. (p 102)

She was far too sophisticated to speak of Human Nature, Which Never Changes, but her novels spoke for her: they were as suspicious as an old woman, and their suspicions were as easily and as depressingly and as uniformly satisfied. (p 115)

Not every child has, at the age of five, lost a mother; at the age of fourteen, lost a twin sister and a father. This had happened to Constance; or had it? Such events were not in her style of life, which was dreamy absent innocent style. She had been, somehow, sheltered from things; and when she hadn't been she had managed, like a sleepwalker, to shelter herself from them without ever seeming to. Later on what she knew already would recur to Constance, and this time it would be transmuted: life is, so to speak, the philosopher's stone that turns knowledge into truth. (p 157)

There is no good resting-place between Man and men: to say that someone is typically anything is an unfavourable judgement, and even the oddest of foreigners cannot help seeming to us, in some ways, typically foreign. We despair of any nationality except our own, and we don't despair of it only because we don't take it seriously - we know that, at bottom, Americans are just people, a little more so than any foreigner ever manages to be; didn't Adam and Eve and the snake speak to each other in Standard American? (p 187)

They were, in the first place, what they seemed to be, just as a beautiful woman in an evening dress is first of all what she seems to be. But underneath her dress, on one side of her stomach, is the scar of an operation for appendicitis; some of the skin below it, of the skin along her thighs, has a grained or marbly look - this came from the strain of childbirth; and her teeth would not be so regular and magnificent as they are if she had not worn braces on them, an unwilling child. There is a reality behind the outer reality; it is no more real than the other, both are as real as real can be, but it is different. (p 190)

She saw the worst: it was, indeed, her only principle of explanation. Consequently she seemed to most people a writer of extraordinary penetration - she appealed to the Original La Rochefoucauld in everybody. People looked up to her just as they looked up to all those who know why everything is as it is: because of munitions makers, the Elders of Zion, agents of the Kremlin, Oedipus complexes, the class struggle, Adamic sin, something; these men can explain everything, and we cannot. People who were affectionate, cheerful, and brave - and human too, all too human - felt in their veins the piercing joy of understanding, of pure disinterested insight, as they read Gertrude's demonstration that they did everything because of greed, lust, and middle-class hypocrisy. She told them that they were very bad and, because they were fairly stupid, they believed her. (p 199)

Mrs. Robbins was always one to apologize, necessarily or unnecessarily, and you could see how she felt: it was a pity to leave unused for even an hour a Sorry! so superior as hers. (246-7)

But mostly he talked about great books - about a hundred of them; I don't know why he stopped at a hundred, but he did, and let the rest go; he must have made up his mind that it was no use trying to get people to read more than a hundred. (p 252)

Mr. Daudier had a queer look on his face, as if he were a box of mixed nuts, but mostly peanuts; but you could see that he agreed with this remark down to the last cell of his toenails. (p 254)

Tangential: My daughter and I read Animal Family together earlier this month, also written by Jarrell. She remarked how she liked the way he wrote… Indeed, reading the short story, one can feel the poetry. So charming to also find in the book illustrations by Maurice Sendak!

Another five

  1. One should never draft a post without saving it as a draft on Squarespace. I write from fresh heartbreak - may you benefit from the advice and the consequent concision.

  2. Descriptions of trust are touching. Here's one from Camila, a character in the novel Daisy and the Six: "If I've given the impression that trust is easy—with your spouse, with your kids, with anybody you care about—if I've made it seem like it's easy to do... then I've misspoken. It's the hardest thing I've ever have to do. (...) But you have nothing without it. Nothing meaningful at all. That's why I chose to do it. Over and over and over. Even when it bit me in the ass. And I will keep choosing it until the day I die." Another from Gretchen Rubin's Little Happier podcast here.

  3. I was tickled to hear Malcolm Gladwell disparage the marathon on No Such Thing As A Fish (episode 438). Consider me determined to never add it to my bucket list.

  4. I don't disparage exercise... Christian and I have started taking neighbourhood bike rides on weekend evenings and had our mental maps of the city completely blown up. Once we startled twin fawns running across the road to suckle their mama standing on the other side. Five raccoon heads noted our arrival at Elizabeth Dafoe Library and immediately disappeared behind the low concrete bed wall one twilight evening. Grant Peterson's Just Ride is a "hey, relax" kind of book on the subject of bike riding.

  5. I made snowball-sized meringues this week, that were more like mini pavlovas, the difference being that meringue should be dry all the way through and pavlovas can have a pillowy soft center. I've learned lots trying to make meringues for the first time for this other recipe: Nigella's Meringue Gelato Cake with Chocolate Sauce. I've had to learn lots because meringues don't seem very common here in the middle of Canada.

Five things

Part of the challenge of writing, is simply sitting down and committing to an idea. I’m always tempted to wait awhile, see if the idea ripens, if more connections can be made, or if I could express something more eloquently with a little more time devoted to research. But in this bulletin, I’m forcing myself to cast those inclinations aside, for the quick satisfaction of hitting “publish”.

  1. This summer, I feel like I’ve been listening to more audiobooks than I have been reading physical pages. Three I enjoyed recently are Prairie Fires by Caroline Fraser; The Dutch House by Ann Patchet (read by Tom Hanks); and Taste by Stanley Tucci.

  2. I mentioned (here) having enjoyed The Library Book by Susan Orlean and consequently, I’m excited to hear what is next on the podcast mini-series Book Exploder. I enjoyed Hrishikesh Hirway’s first interview so much, the episode felt too short. Hrishikesh has a newsletter called Some Cookies, which when you sign up for it, invites you “to accept Some Cookies”. I was confused until I got the joke.

  3. This week I made Weird and Wonderful Banana Cake and had my little family guess the mystery ingredient. It was like a game of 20 questions.

  4. Some trend on TikTok encourages professionals to give advice based on things they’ve seen in their profession. Sometimes it’s terrible and other times it’s frightening. This, I thought, could not apply to my current job as a tutor… It’s not like grammar rules are life-threatening.

    However, university life being what it is, I’m always a little bit sad for students who are submitting a paper in a course they’re taking in a field they’re pursuing because they feel like they have to. In an ideal world, students would be following an academic path based on their own interests, and universities would be better at catering to this. This recent interview on Fresh Air backs up this idea; the author of After the Ivory Tower Falls, Will Bunch, recommends a gap year “it gives our young people more time to find themselves and figure out what they want to do. So many people at 18 and their families are making bad choices…”

    I agree! I recently came across personality tests we were administered in high school to help our 17-year-old selves decide our future career. I applied myself to the task begrudgingly (I feel like I remember mom not giving much weight to these things, and thus disdaining them myself). (She might have been right though… I don’t know if applying myself more would have saved me from my own self-ignorance.) Test results then showed I’d be good in sales, (I couldn’t sell candy to children) and that I wouldn’t do well in studies or research (see number 5).

  5. How’s that Master’s coming along? Aha! So glad you asked! I love talking about research and assume no one wants to hear about it. Right now, I’m combing through the genealogies of Aubigny’s Métis and French founding families. It is like assembling a giant puzzle. Take this one example here: Joseph and Clothilde. Joseph was from Quebec and came to Aubigny with his dad and mom and siblings. He and some of his brothers stayed in Aubigny for generations. When he was old enough, he fell in love with Clothilde. (I mean, I assume the love part, because I’m romantic.) Clothilde’s family had established themselves south of the border, in a French parish in Leroy, North Dakota. She had a sister who married into an Aubigny family in 1907 (maybe that’s how they met?), and a cousin in the community as well. Gathering these connections has lead me to learn more about the French communities in the United-States and the fluidity of the border back then. I also get to imagine what “community” meant a century ago.

Happy Friday, dear reader. May you find yourself as comfortable as this dog:


A new pool

If you sit as comfortably as this dog, I’ll tell you a little pool story.

As one might do in all kinds of ways for all kinds of things, Christian has assured that the kids have always had a pool in the summer, as he remembers always having wanted growing up. One assures for one’s children the thing one feels having lacked growing up. It can be like a little mystery really… Why wasn’t there a pool on the great big Palud property in Aubigny? We asked Mme Palud if she was afraid it could be too dangerous for her kids… she didn’t really agree. Instead, she said:

“Personne d’autre en avait à Aubigny” (no one else had a pool in Aubigny).

I think this was reason enough. First, it kind of rhymes with that observation Mary Pipher makes about the generation of elders, so different from our own as to be almost “from another country”: “For example, Great-aunt Martha’s concern about what the neighbours think isn’t necessarily superficial, as we tend to view such concerns in our independence-loving 1990s. Rather it is about respect and connection, about having a proper place in a communal universe.” (I made a blog post with quotes from Pipher’s book here.)

It’s that “proper place in a communal universe” that makes me think that maybe my in-laws didn’t want to stand out by making such an audacious purchase. And then I wonder, would it have been audacious? Maybe… In the year my husband was born, Sears advertised a 10 foot pool with filter for 79.99$, or according to this inflation-rate calculator, 480$. When he would have been 10, Sears selling pools with liners. The price for a 12 foot pool then is 548$ in today’s money, again based on this inflation-rate calculator. And then, I’m not taking into consideration the differences between American and Canadian money, or catalogues…

How common were backyard swimming pools? I’m not really sure… Pool and Spa News has a nice little history here.

“How many of your friends had a pool?” I asked Christian in the midst of writing this.
“One,” he said.

In the end, he thinks it might have been a variety of reasons… inclination, money, time… All of that brief divergence to say: check out our new pool! It is Christian’s pet project this summer. Here’s a before and after…

During and after

We changed the patio in our backyard. May I temper the natural expectation for a stunning before and after? Here we only have room for small delights, not those home makeover dramas… And sometimes I think it’s better that way.

It all began because the garden space felt disorganized. The area between the house and the garage is almost triangular, and using rectangular patio blocks seemed to require a straight line somewhere. We chose to run the patio parallel to the garage. I played with the layout using rough measurements and miniature patio blocks cut from gray cardstock. When the snow melted and the rain stopped, Christian got to work.

.

We were kind of proud of the fact that this project was only going to cost us the gravel and the machine-rental to pack it. The patio blocks were already ours, scattered in little groups here and there around the yard; under the deck, behind the garage and part of the little patio glimpsed above.

Somehow I am always surprised when we execute these projects how much we change the feel of our space. This summer now has evenings when we sit under the stars and tend a fire in the fireplace, sometimes roasting marshmallows.

What we ate

I like writing about food, as it happens, and so to this end, here’s another unedited post on a variety of food-related things.

It’s asparagus season, I think, south of us at least, where it’s warmer and doesn’t feel like the spring has a windchill. To commemorate the appearance of these green stalks, I made Melissa Clark’s recipe for white beans on toast topped with asparagus. I went to a local bakery for fresh bread… a country-style loaf for the adults and something plainer for the kids. And that’s precisely the beauty of this meal: the adults can have their virtuous meal of beans made from scratch - soaked the night before and lovingly simmered - while the kids can top their bread with deli ham and sliced pickles, or slathered in peanut butter and dotted with bananas. Everyone finishes their meal happy with very little extra work on the cook’s part.

Our second asparagus-themed meal was a riff on (again) Melissa Clark’s Cacio e Pepe with Asparagus and Peas. I used a single cheese and had fresh linguine from the store. It was a satisfying meal mostly because the children can’t seem to get enough of pasta.

Now, I have something I have to correct… Our family has had the lazy habit, as one does with inherited recipes, of referring to a particular cabbage slaw as “Chinese Salad”. I even posted about it here. A week ago, Deb Perelman posted a Poolside Sesame Slaw that I am looking forward to trying… I mean, if it ever gets warm enough to consider going poolside. She made a note of the usual name for these kinds of salads and linked to two articles on the subject. Perry Santanachote’s “Stop Calling It Asian Salad” clearly expresses the problem and is concluded by seven actually-Asian salad recipes. As she writes, the article is “about words and how they matter”.

I’ve enjoyed diving into two cookbooks: One has been online-only and the other I picked up at the library after learning that the author was Canadian. The Stained-Page News is a fun newsletter about cookbooks and its recent edition included lots of photographs of the unique page design from a cookbook titled “Leon’s: Ingredients and Recipes”. I relish good design and this cookbook was highlighted for its whimsy and smart layout. This can be glimpsed here.

The second cookbook is Tessa Kiros’ Falling Cloudberries. I paged through this tome, with chapters dedicated to geographic locations and could almost feel a nostalgic ache for travel and wholesomeness. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, except to say that thoughtful writing and cozy pictures of imperfect scenes and telling details can open a gate for the mind to go and wander about where it has never been. Kiros’ Instagram evokes a similar feeling and it makes me want to post anew. I thought “cloudberries” was an invented idea, like “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, but no! They are an actual fruit.

Earlier this week, a fellow tutor and I had a whole conversation about food. There’s this place in Scotland, she was saying, where she ate this fantastic dessert and had thought to snap a picture of the menu. Home again, the flavour lingered in her mind and so she retrieved the picture to recall the name and since adopted this simple-yet-impressive treat as a go-to dessert. I served it to our guests today, with a blackberry coulis and a mint leaf and it is indeed wonderful. It is called a Lemon Posset.

There! That’s a quick tour of the food-related things that have been on my mind! Cheers!

Reading list: The Broken Estate by James Wood

How to start: Benjamin Anastas has a perfectly succinct review of this collection of essays. He writes, “Pity the mortal novelist (John Updike, Toni Morrison, Martin Amis) whose work is subjected to Wood’s fierce and loving gaze.” Anastas expresses better than I could, exactly what is wonderful about Broken Estate: “It is rare to be in the company of such bracing ideas about literature, and rarer still to see these ideas expressed with a style and complexity usually reserved for fiction.”

I’m sorry… I can’t just put a few little sentences here. My favourite quotes are whole passages:

When it comes to language, all writers want to be billionaires. To be utterly free in language, to be absolute commander of what you do not own - this is the greatest desire of any writer. Even the deliberate pauper of style - Hemingway, Pavese, late Beckett - have their smothered longings for riches, and make their reductions seem like bankruptcy after wealth rather than fraud before it: Pavese translated Moby Dick into Italian. Realists may protest that it is life, not words, that draws them as writers: yet language at rush hour is like a busy city. Language is infinite, but it is also a system, and so it tempts us with the fantasy that it is closed, like a currency or an orchestra. What writer does not dream of touching every word in the lexicon once?

In Moby Dick, Herman Melville nearly touched every word once, or so it seems. Language is pressed and consoled in that book with Shakespearian agility. No other nineteenth-century novelist writing in English lived in the city of words that Melville lived in; they were suburbanites by comparison. No other novelist of that age could swim in the poetry of “the warmly cool, clear, ringing, perfumed, overflowing, redundant days.” And so, despite the usual biographical lamentations, despite our knowledge that Moby Dick went largely unappreciated, that in 1876 only two copies of the novel were bought in the United States; that in 1887 it went out of print with a total sale of 3,180 copies; that these and other neglects narrowed Melville into bitterness and savage daily obedience as a New York customs inspector - despite this, one says lucky Melville, not poor Melville. For in writing Moby Dick, Melville wrote the novel that is every writer’s dream of freedom. It is as if he painted a parch of sky for the imprisoned. (p. 42 The All and the If: God and Metaphor in Melville).

On sympathy:

And we know that the novel is the real home of this sympathy precisely because it routinely demands from us a sympathy that we could not possibly want to extend, in real life, to real people - to murderers, bore, pedophiles. The novel is able to test, and enrich, our power of sympathy in this way because it is both real and not real. Because, in Mann’s terms, it is absolutely serious and then not quite serious. It is true, and a game - a true game, but still not life. Which is why we can allow our ideas of things to remain unresolved in fiction as we rarely do in real life. (p. 124 Thomas Mann: The Master of the Not Quite).

An appreciation of D.H. Lawrence’s style:

Yet Lawrence has far greater stylistic powers than Hemingway and manages simltaneously to be both a power and a less mannered stylist. Here is Lawrence writing in 1916:

And then the tussocks and tussocks of primroses are filly out, there is full morning everywhere on the banks and roadsides and stream sides, and around the olive roots, a morning of primroses underfoot, with an invisible threading of many violets, and then the lovely blue clusters of hepatica, really like pieces of blue sky showing through a clarity of primrose.

And here is Hemingway, writing in 1929:

The fields were green and there were small green shoots on the vines, the trees along the road had small leaves and a small breeze came from the sea. I saw the town with the hill and the old castle above it in a cup in the hills with the mountains beyond, brown mountains with a little green on their slopes.

Both writers, as it happens, are writing about Italy. Both use one word three times (“green” for Hemingway, “primroses” for Lawrence), and repeat two other words. Hemingway’s passage is static. He is layering, using the coincidence of words to suggest a coincidence of colors, a pastoral monotony. But Lawrence’s words work against their own repetition, to enact a sense of change and movement. Lawrence is describing the breaking of down, the changing of light. This is a verbal discovery. At each moment of higher light, the landscape is changing but remaining the same. What is being revealed is merely the fuller essence of the same landscape, as the light builds - “a morning of primroses” culminates in “a clarity of primrose,” as morning is finally born, and Lawrence realizes that the sky above his head is the same color as the hepatica at his feet. The sentences move toward the light; we move into “a clarity.” The language stays the same but alters, as light changes but remains the same; Lawrence merely lets us see a word from an improved angle. Repetition is difference. Hemingway, one feels, knows in advance just what his repetitions will be; Lawrence discovers as he proceeds, that a word has changed its meaning as he has used it, and that he will need to use the same word because it now has a different meaning.

Lawrence is more refined than Hemingway, more of a true stylist, with a better ear; but he is also more natural than Hemingway. (p. 134 D.H. Lawrence’s Occultism)

And here:

Lawrence is sitting on a ledge. It is late afternoon, and suddenly, beneath him walk two monks, apparently in conversation. Lawrence cannot hear them, and he can barely see them. Instead, they must be divined:

And then, just below me, I saw two monks walking in their garden between the naked, bony vines, walking in their wintry garden of bony vines and olive trees, their brown cassocks passing between the brown vine-stocks, their heads bare to the sunshine, sometimes a glint of light as their feet strode from under their skirts.

It was so still, everything so perfectly suspended that I felt them talking. They marched with the peculiar march of monks, a long, lapsing stride, their heads together, their skirts swaying slowly, two brown monks with hidden hands sliding under the bony vines and beside the cabbages, their heads always together in hidden converse. It was as if I were attending with my dark soul to their inaudible undertone… I could hear no sound of their voices.

All of Lawrence’s qualities as a writer seem to me to be gathered here. There is the brilliance of Lawrence’s repetitions, so that the language becomes an abstract swoon, a religious nudging. There is the humble, funny, practical mention of the cabbages, beside which the monks walk. And then a verbal exchange occurs: Lawrence describes the vines as naked and bony, and then both the vines and the monks as “brown.” He uncovers the monks, denudes them. He takes their cassocks off: For if the vines are like the monks, the monks become like the vines. The monks become “naked, bony” and brown.

More important, the writer is feeling the presence of the monks, prayerfully. He cannot hear them, he can hardly see them, but he can feel them. They are “hidden,” yet Lawrence uncovers them. And he uncovers them religiously - by looking for the light they give off: “sometimes a glint of light as their feet strode.” Underneath their cassocks, they glow. So Lawrence attends to the monks with his “dark soul.” And what lights the path of this dark soul? The monks, who glow with light. Lawrence refers to the “hidden converse” of the monks as they exchange words, but this passage is really the “hidden converse,” for it enacts a secret exchange. On the one hand, Lawrence uncovers the monks by removing their trivial clothes, by stripping them to a state of nature (they are vines), and by illuminating them with light (they give off light, but Lawrence can see them only by the light they give off); on the other hand, and in an opposite direction, it is the monks who uncover Lawrence, who shine a light onto his “dark soul.” Lawrence is dependent on the monks even as he conjures them into being on the page. This is a religious and literary humility with which Lawrence is hardly ever credited. Jesus said that he was the vine, and that we are the branches; in a sense, Lawrence, hovering out of sight, dependent on the monks and growing out of them, is a dark branch to their bright vine. All of this is to be found in Lawrence’s style, which so many “knowing” critics and readers so cheaply disdain as hysteria. I doubt that a more vitally religious passage of prose has been written by an English novelist in this century. (p. 142 D.H. Lawrence’s Occultism)

Tangential: James Wood is married to Claire Messud (whose book Kant’s Little Prussian Head I quoted from here and here). I liked this interview with Wood on the blog Aesthetics for Birds.

Sunday Sundries

75 days ago I linked to two snow clearing articles and still, there’s weather on my mind. MEC discontinued a pant I liked… a perfect cotton-linen blend, drawstring closure, straight leg and I haven’t found the perfect replacement. Linen is either too frumpy or the pant legs are 3/4 length which defeats the bug bite/sun protection purpose. Then again, the weather has been quite cool… jeans might be a better choice. This article is about a different discontinued pant but it’s an entertaining read!

TikTok got me interested in making dal. This week, we'll be trying Melissa Clark’s Sweet Potato Dhal with Coconut. Recomendo recently linked to this “king of dal” recipe, which suggests using beluga lentils and making your own garam masala. I consider that an aspirational dal I’ll eventually get to. For now, I’ll be happy just to get to where Melissa Clark was in 2017. She wrote “As you can probably tell from the three dhal recipes in this chapter, I’ve fallen in love with making dhals” (Dinner; Changing the Game, p. 235).

Our most recent vegetarian supper success were Soy and Lentil Burritos from Anita Stewart’s Canada cookbook. Christian didn’t miss the ground turkey. This website calls them “Chipotle Lentil”. Given we are pale prairie folk, you can imagine nary a fiery spice entered our version.

I’m pretty sure it was Oliver Burkeman who said hobbies should be something you do that you’re slightly embarrassed about, but I can’t find a quote. (His Four-Thousand Weeks is quotable at length, but that is the subject of another blog post). A hobby defined as such is exactly how I think of drawing… and yet, I can’t tell you how delightful it is to be “trying to find (your) way to the back of the sketchbook” as Ian Fennelly said on the Sneaky Art podcast. Listening to artists talk about their work with Nishant Jain, the host, is like opening a window onto a new world. Discovering artists and drawing, just to see if you can make the lines look, each time incrementally more, like the thing you are looking at.

That’s where it’s at: food and a hobby. Should we tie this up with a reference to weather again? Here’s a picture I took last week in which I spotted a piece of rainbow. I didn’t know they did that… that they abandoned their arc form and could deliver a lopsided slice.


Miscellany

I don’t have a coherent thought about anything right now, the days when life forces me from my desk are what they are and so here is just everything… strewn about. I’m a boat dragging a net and picking up jetsam and hauling it up and having a look at it all… (As seen here.)

I’m listening to The Library Book by Susan Orlean and am totally captivated by the story. It has everything I like: books, history, interesting characters, masterful writing. The author’s mother would weekly bring her daughter to the library, like mine.

Previously, I was listening to My Life in Middlemarch by Rebecca Mead. I appreciated her appraisal of the letters Eliot wrote in her youth. Rather than roll her eyes at their earnestness, Mead strikes an understanding tone, offering compassion for that youthful age where I often feel embarrassment. She writes:

Lacking in charm they may be, but they were not written to charm, and certainly they were not written to charm professors of English Literature at Yale. They were written out of passion and exuberance and boredom and ostentation and her desire to discover what she was thinking by putting it on the page, which is to say, they are letters written by a young woman who is trying to work out who she is and where she’s going. (…) And if my teenage correspondence was much less learned than George Elliot’s, the letters I wrote were no less painfully self-exposing, filled with the enthusiasm and obliviousness and un-earned world-weariness of youth.

Rebecca Mead was recently interviewed on “Working” for her most recent book, Home/Land.

The weekend before this one was particularly productive. I buzzed about checking off tasks, decluttering, and getting ahead on things I often put off. Then Monday came and I felt drained of energy. Austin Kleon happened to put his finger on it in a Q and A in on Ask Polly.

That said, there’s some weird point at which if I make too much in one day, I don’t feel good at all. I sort of feel despondent. I think it has to do with doing so much and knowing there’s so much more to be done? My wife Meghan loves to garden, but if she spends too much time gardening, there’s some threshold at which she becomes depressed. I think there’s an ideal amount of work to be done every day — enough that you feel like you’ve done something, but not so much that you feel wrung out and existentially fried. I imagine setting a timer and stopping when time is up no matter what would help.

Life is strange. But let us pause in our befuddlement over the human condition for a study in contrast. Here I present:

BORING vs INTERESTING

Should I be chiming in here to criticize media? Probably not… Jesse Brown does a fine job of it and still I want to brew him a cup of tea and tell him to calm down. Yet here I am ready to provoke a poor time-crunched journalist with 20 questions. (Snowfall in Winnipeg varies how much from winter to winter? How does the city manage the range? Accidents? Number of complaints? Etc.) Were it left to historians, newspapers would never publish on time. I like reading news from the archives where it has acquired a funk, like cheese.

This miscellany began with a link to The Ocean Cleanup TikTok and will end with Joy Williams. The Subtle Manoeuvres newsletter prompted me to look up Joy Williams’ book The Florida Keys and skim the introduction. I liked how it ended:

“Keys” comes from the Spanish word cayos, for “little islands.” The Keys are little, and they cannot sustain any more “dream houses” or “dream resorts.” The sustaining dream is in the natural world - the world that each of us should respect, enjoy, and protect so that it may be enjoyed again - the world to which one can return and be refreshed.

Time passes. There are more of the many, and they want too much. The bill is coming. It’s not like the bill from a wonderful restaurant, Louie’s, for example. It’s not the bill for the lovely fresh snapper, the lovely wines, the lovely brownie with bourbon ice cream and caramel sauce at the lovely table beside the lovely sea. It’s the bill for all our environmental mistakes of the past. The big bill.

But I really must be off. Sporadic entries for the next while. Work bears down.

Quotes

I like writing advice and the latest book I’ve read on the subject is Verlyn Klinkenborg’s Several Short Sentences About Writing. My favourite quote is this one:

You may need to write for yourself for awhile,
And listen only to the language.
That’s okay.
The first person who need to be persuaded of your authority
Is you. [p. 132]

Working on a Master's degree feels like learning to ride a horse

I thought that the experience of being a student would provide lots of writing inspiration, like an insider view as I explored realms of information. But it isn’t that… Being a master’s student is more about patient labour than anything else. I imagine that it’s like seeing a horse in the wild… “Wow!” you think. “What a beautiful horse!” It’s gem-stone eyes look like they beckon to you and you want to know this horse. You daydream about one day riding on its back.

Do you know how long it takes to domesticate a wild horse? I don’t. I do remember reading a book titled The Horse Whisperer when I was in high school. I thought it was fascinating. I thought I would like to train horses like this guy said he did. It seemed magical. I lived in a family that thought all kinds of things were possible.

Do you know how to train a horse? I don’t. Almost two years ago now, we bought a puppy and I cried tears of frustration over its training. It is a beagle, chosen for its medium size, its adorable face, its friendliness. A horse would be intimidating, the way zooming out from your house on Google earth is intimidating: my kingdom is a disappearing collection of pixels.

So I’m not sure why I chose this horse metaphor, except that in my imagination the information I’m handling feels about as big as a horse… not impossibly big, but still unwieldy. And then managing that information so that I can say something interesting about it, also feels like a kind of domestication. It requires organization and understanding. When I’ll have managed this, I think it will feel as if I’d mounted a horse and rode it to a destination.

In movies, characters just get on horses no problem. If there’s a problem, it might be saved for the blooper reel. Outside of movies, riders take training. Has there been a slow-tv channel dedicated to someone’s training? No. That’s because training is long and boring and has progression but also setbacks and good days when things go according to plan and days when other things interfere and the project is set aside. It is more interesting to pretend to sit in a train as it travels through tunnels and a frozen countryside than it is to be submitted to someone’s training. It is why time-lapse was invented. (No. But the invention of time-lapse is horse-related!)

To conclude, as students say when they’re finishing an essay, I’m working on my master’s degree, but writing updates on the subject is not as exciting as I thought it would be. It’s a rite of passage, a professor told me, and it’s true. It’s this academic training you submit yourself to, and it’s not meant to be very exciting.

Reading list: The Birds Fall Down by Rebecca West

How to start: Rebecca West is an acclaimed British author with an impressively long Wikipedia entry. The Birds Fall Down is a “spy thriller based on the deeds of the historical double agent Yevno Azef”.

Favourite quotes: “That taught me a lesson I’ve always found it useful to remember if I have to deal with difficult men. When they are hard they are probably dealing with things they do not understand. If one brings them back to what is familiar to them they become soft.” (p. 23)

“His voice was strong now that he had re-established the importance of his grief.” (p. 78)

“‘When there is a great tragedy, all other things should go well,’ he sighed. ‘It’s not fair, having to look after all sorts of secondary matters as well.’” (p. 95)

“It’s often been remarked that every human activity, whether it be love, philosophy, art or revolution, is carried on with a special intensity in Paris. A Polish professor has found an explanation in the presence in the subsoil of the city of certain earths heavily charged with electricity. It is wonderful how science is solving all mysteries. It seemed to me that the proportion of men and women quite evidently in love was higher than would have been the case in Berlin or Zurich or St. Petersburg, but also that they were exhibiting their state more candidly than they would have done in these other capitals. They walked arm in arm, their eyes shining, and they chattered and laughed.” (p. 172)

“The glasses had come from Prague, from another honeymoon, and they had survived a hundred years, only because they were always washed in a basin lined with several layers of flannel.” (p. 175)

“Most of the crowd had dispersed, but a few people still watched him as they might have watched a cab-horse fallen in the street, with maudlin smiles of pity confused with gratification at their own pity and a cold expectation of further calamity.” (p. 213)

“…for it’s sound medical practice to put the patient’s mind to rest before we start on correcting his body.” (p. 236)

“…but their real occupation was the talk, which by jerked hands, shrugged shoulders, hands flung out palm upwards, wove the French fairytale about other people having shown an extraordinary lack of common sense. In the middle of the paved causeway children in blue overalls played gentle games. If a wrangle turned rough, parents started forward in their chairs and shot out jets of scolding, but the mellowness set in again at once. As the street darkened the sky grew brighter.” (p. 247)

“They raised their glasses to each other in gaiety which was false yet true; it was a container for their kindness to her.” (p. 268)

“She recognized what he was doing; piling up grievances to kill his sense that he was in the wrong. She often did it herself, but had hoped that she would grow out of it.” (p. 361)

“But she assumed it to be a point of honour with Chubinov not to take grace poured out generously.” (p. 422)

Tangential: Googling the title of this book leads to alarming reports and investigations of birds falling from the sky. But it comes from the line of a poem the author uses as an epigraph. But neither the poem nor the poet exist… West used a pseudonym and invented the poem herself. We know this thanks to Victoria Glendinning’s biography of West, excerpted here.